First intentional OBE in the dead of Night

The following was posted on the explorations in consciousness forum. To check out the thread I am referring to below, go to: http://www.explorations-in-consciousness.com/forums/index.php?topic=1128.0

As some of you know, I suffered from 'astral catalepsy on repeat' last week, and although I knew at the time I could have left my body during the 25+ times it happened that night, I have always been too terrified. However, after your encouraging comments I decided to commit to leaving my body the next time the opportunity presented itself in the middle of the night.

As usual, lately, it was because I had to get up to pee so much. By the third time, it must have been between 4 and 5, I lay back down and knew that it would take me a little while to get back to sleep. It began to cross my mind that I would probably experience AP due to the deep state of sleep I had left before getting up to pee.

Let me mention here, that I was scared. I kept staring at the closet door, like a child, wondering what kind of monster might open it and peak through any second. I even reached a point of fear that made it really easy for me to shrug and say, I'm going to abort it if it happens! But when that thought arose, I was disappointed in myself and made the firm decision that I would definitely allow myself to OBE if AP happened.

I begin to feel electricity seep and jolt throughout my body, and know that it is time. I sense the darkness in the room and fight the urge to think negatively. To combat my own mind, I immediately recite the word "Love" over and over and over, trying to imagine my husband that I love so much, breathing and sleeping soundly right next to me.

This is working! I am so focused on reciting the word "Love" that I have no time to create demons or stir up my fears. When I sense that my astral body is ready, I think to myself a little hesitantly, 'Ok, here we go!', and float upward and out.

I float up to the ceiling with grace, and confidently move through the ceiling. I end up in the dark, still sky of night, floating upward, feeling like the shape of an Evergreen tree.

That's all I can recall from that experience, but then I found myself in the AP state again, ready to leave the body:

This time I project directly from my body and straight into the bedroom of the house I grew up in. Immediately, I float out the sliding glass door and through the trees and up, hovering above the old lawn there (now it is full of flowers). It is still very dark out, but I am proud of myself for not losing it. It feels just like a morning OBE! Nothing bad is happening at all.

I begin flying toward the golf course (we lived on the 16th hole, never played a game in my life) and play around with the speeds of flight. I notice that I can change my speed to move extremely fast, but that the distance I achieve with that speed does not match -- I've barely moved at all. Strange.

Now I'm walking along the golf course and I have an idea for a goal! I say out loud "I want to meet my Higher Self!" Nothing changes. I demand "I meet my Higher Self!". It feels like nothing is changing, but I remember that the scenery became enhanced with psychedelic patterns surrounding a blue sphere, very transparent.

Suddenly I begin flying through my self-created Rainbow World -- one that I have re-created over and over, in an attempt to find the original Rainbow World I encountered once at the age of 12 in a lucid dream. Everything is sparkly, and I am soaring through rainbows. I think to myself, 'Well it's not really meeting my Higher Self, but it's a good sign!'

A very small moth appears a couple yards ahead of me. I begin flying backwards to get away from it, but it comes closer. I fly backwards at a greater speed, and it's still getting closer! It begins to change into a beautiful yellow and black butterfly and gets bigger and bigger. It doesn't occur to me that this could be some form of my 'Higher Self', not at all. I am intimidated by it, irritated, and I want it out of my sight! As it grows bigger, I force my astral body to grow bigger! I realize that I am becoming a huge, huge man! (a man again?)

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I try to break its wings. It heals immediately and grows even bigger. So I force myself awake.

Did I try to break the wings of my Higher Self?!

Any ideas on what this means??
I'm afraid it's just another reflection of just how not ready I am to evolve. :(