Resistance, Sedation & Attack: Lessons of the Night

Up at 2:28am this morning, I drifted back into dreams soon after and found myself drinking iced lemonade with my little wee Eden, almost three now. We were sitting happily until, almost as in a joke, the lights turned off and I fell flat on my back into total paralysis. A sense of doom and terror hit me like a rock while Eden just sat beside me drinking her lemonade. I felt the horror of "they are going to come and take me" and I did not want that to happen and leave Eden no one to take care of her, so I counted to three and forced myself to move my left pointer finger and made myself roll over to face Eden.

I lay awake thinking about what happened. Why had I resisted? Resistance has been my mode of operation as far as I can remember, and this is a huge theme I am working so hard on in my life. I don't want to resist anymore. I told myself I had never been harmed by being "taken." I guilted myself and consequently stayed awake much longer than I intended.

By 4:30 I decided to buckle down and do some deep breathing. I asked myself what could some possible intentions be if I fall into paralysis again? What could I ask? Where could I go? Nothing really seemed right, or with my heart, or passionate. But I finally settled on asking, "Should Erik buy his sound system?", something he asked me to "sleep on" last night.

When the electric sensations finally come, they fill my chest and spread from there until I can't move, and yet am moving at extreme frequency vibrationally. Instantly I surround my body with a cocoon of brilliant white light to protect me from being taken against my will. Instantly I feel a slap or a spank (not physical, but emotional) for, in a way, resisting once again. But I just build the cocoon even brighter and stronger. 

I don't float upward. Instead I move restlessly within the parameters of my physical body, unsure of what to do next. I am just waiting this part out, the uncomfortable, electric part that I know will pass soon.

When it does, I am floating above our bed in the darkness of the room. A TV appears and I sit and watch in total awe as the images that appear become clear and vibrant. I mentally compare it to how I think of an Ayahuasca vision, dreamlike and full of color and richness. None of the images mean anything. I can't figure it out. So I ask out into the ether, "Should Erik buy his sound system?" and it feels so comical to ask this question and I can feel laughter around me. The images continue to come and mean nothing. 

I am brought to a familiar house. It is a house full of rooms. I have been here before in lucid dreams learning lessons. The light outside the house is beyond brilliant; you cannot see anything beyond the light.

I enter a room where a handful of teenagers are hanging out. Someone has brought me here but I can't see them. But I sense that I am just supposed to watch.

One teenager sprays another in the face with what looks like an aerosol can. It doesn't look like he wants this to happen to him but he also doesn't want to be uncool. He instantly droops in a total state of high. Then the kids prepare some other kind of drug, which is unfamiliar to me and I don't recall how they do it. I sense that it's an upper and will counter the effects of the other drug. Then the kids surround him with Butterfingers and Snickers bars and the like, to prepare for when he wakes up and has the "munchies." I am appalled. I just stare and feel my heart sink that this is how humans treat each other and themselves. One of the kids then places a capsule of some kind on a hot pan in the kitchen and it explodes, filling the air with drugs. We leave.

I am floating in the ceiling with my guide above a couple. They are listening to music, a beautiful love song. The room is decorated warmly. I feel content here. There is some kind of decorative spider hanging from the ceiling. When I notice it the couples disappear into thin air, and a black panther/ferocious dog appears and comes toward me, drooling and barking, scratching at the wall below me, beckoning me to come down. 

My guide says, "This is the room where this dog attacks you," very nonchalantly. I understand that I am not to resist this. I know I'll figure out what to do.

So I willingly float down to the floor to be bitten by this panther/dog/nightmare-of-my-dreams creature. This rabid dog is so fast, my right forearm is instantly being chewed. I don't feel any pain, and I relax myself and try to think of what to do, and then it comes to me. With my left hand, I grab his right eye and dig deeply into his skull, turning, twisting and then pulling it out. His reaction is subtle so I reach for the other eye and do the same, and then throw the dog across the room, giving me enough time to fly toward the door and jump off the ledge into the woods.

The Great Big Blue Eye

I woke up around 4am and wanted to take the time to think about my OBE intentions if I had the chance to project while falling back asleep. I considered everything, my newfound realization that there might be something valid about my experiences, and therefore that the spirits who come and throw me around the room sometimes or just stand by the bed and stare at me concerned me. But I decided that if anything negative came to me I would send it love and see if that helped, as it has once in the past. I did not want to swear or yell or be obnoxious.

I thought about wanting to know where my current back pain is coming from.

I thought about trying to engage with Mother Ayahuasca because I still feel her in me somehow.

I thought about the Green Man from one of my past lucid dreams who I still miss and ache to see again.

It took a while this time, because I was excited and anxious, but I knew I was dreaming immediately when a dream began...

I am instantly flying. I can't wait to tell Erik. I want him to come too.

Paralysis, awareness of my body, vibrations, yada yada yada. It's coming, it's all here, it's happening, and I'm not scared. It's light in the bedroom now. I feel totally safe.

So I project upward and fly straight through the ceiling. I fly through the Earth's atmosphere, but it looks a lot like the book I read to Eden last night before bed, and same as when I enter outer space. When I get to the blackness of space watching the twinkling stars, nothing above me, nothing below, I let out sounds of happiness and joy that I made it. It's a little obnoxious, but it's not the yelling/raging/swearing obnoxious essence of me I'm trying to exorcise.

Then I think of trying to find the negative entities that bother me sometimes, and immediately try and make that suggestion go away, and correct it with, I want to meet Mother Ayahuasca.

I am in instant blackness. A tiny blue eye appears in the center of this blackness. It gets closer and closer to me, or I am getting close and closer to it, I don't know, until this great big, visceral blue eye is taking up all that I can see in this scene... and I enter it. I remind myself not to resist, "Do not resist, let it take you" and I let it take me inside of it. I am in the great optical nerves of this eye and I keep going deeper until I am sitting in the center of its knowledge and then I know.

(but I don't get to keep what I know, I remember nothing)

I am back in my body, and the electricity is consuming me again. Normally I would try and stop the experience so I could sleep now, but I am choosing not to resist, I am choosing to respond. I am feeling unconditionally. So I begin separating from my body and floating upward and this time I feel hands on my body, but they are friendly hands, and while I feel vulnerable, I feel their loving intention. They are expressing total support of me on my quest. I don't know if it's healing or if it's just love and support, but it's sublime and I am glad they are there.

When I am out of my body, I have entered a lucid dream like state. Erik and Eden are playing on the bed. I fly toward Erik and gently tap his forehead with my big right toe. He laughs. It's great to have him respond because normally he's sleeping when I do something like that and now he finally sees me out of my body flying around! I land on the ground next to him and tell him he's handsome and we kiss. I am so happy to spend time with him here. 

Twice more I end up back in my body and project out again, and twice more I have dream like experiences with Erik, where we are happy and I can't get enough kisses. I can't recall every detail but all of it is good, especially that I did not resist any of the subsequent experiences no matter how tired I was. I needed to trust that what was happening needed to happen.

When it was all over and I was back in my body for the last time, it was still completely dark in the room at 6:15am. I wonder where all that gorgeous morning light came from?

I drifted back into unconscious sleep and dreamed and dreamed. And in one of the dreams I recalled a memory that may help me find the key to where my back pain is coming from. And I'm ready to face it.