This morning, I knew it was going to happen, but I fell asleep as I was trying to decide what goal to have for a projection.
I'm laying halfway on my stomach when I feel the paralysis sensations come on. Awareness moves from a dream state to awareness of my sleeping body. I experience a feeling of dread and of malice in the dark, but I repeat in my mind, "I am in a safe space," and surround myself with white light. I decide to go with this experience and see what it brings, without bringing effort or goal.
Instead of projecting out of my body, a very dull visual begins to display. It is my body lying diagonally on a rollercoaster sliding down, very fast, backwards. I am unimpressed, but I'm too lazy to abort the experience.
Next, something grabs my ankles just like the last two experiences. I am not surprised, but I am ticked off. I say, "Oh no you don't!" and I wake myself with great force.
Even though I had woken myself up, I felt the grip on my ankles for at least a minute after full body consciousness.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Force by an Unseen Force
The following experience took place this morning around 7am:
For the first time in a while, I woke when Erik got up to get ready for work, and I didn't get back to sleep right away. It occurred to me that I'd probably have an out of body experience, so I began thinking about possible goals. As I was drifting, I remembered that I had wanted to have more experiences in getting to know my baby. Soon, I found myself electric and paralyzed.
I become aware of the entire room, with its limited morning light. I'm laying partway on my back and I'm not quite comfortable with the darkness. I consider waking myself up, but simultaneously feel too lazy to muster up the effort. I decide to be open to any possible experience.
Similarly to my last experience, I feel something tugging at my feet. Before I know it, I am being dragged out of my body by an unseen force. This force drops me near the front of the bedroom door and I realize that I am not even in my astral body; I am a sphere less than 6 inches in diameter.
Suddenly, and abruptly, the unseen force drags me by my feet into the living room. I ask to meet my baby. I am thrown through the window and I feel myself bounce on the ground between our house and the fence. Confused, I wake myself up.
These kinds of experiences leave me more boggled than ever. I can't help but feel like there is no meaning to what I am experiencing.
For the first time in a while, I woke when Erik got up to get ready for work, and I didn't get back to sleep right away. It occurred to me that I'd probably have an out of body experience, so I began thinking about possible goals. As I was drifting, I remembered that I had wanted to have more experiences in getting to know my baby. Soon, I found myself electric and paralyzed.
I become aware of the entire room, with its limited morning light. I'm laying partway on my back and I'm not quite comfortable with the darkness. I consider waking myself up, but simultaneously feel too lazy to muster up the effort. I decide to be open to any possible experience.
Similarly to my last experience, I feel something tugging at my feet. Before I know it, I am being dragged out of my body by an unseen force. This force drops me near the front of the bedroom door and I realize that I am not even in my astral body; I am a sphere less than 6 inches in diameter.
Suddenly, and abruptly, the unseen force drags me by my feet into the living room. I ask to meet my baby. I am thrown through the window and I feel myself bounce on the ground between our house and the fence. Confused, I wake myself up.
These kinds of experiences leave me more boggled than ever. I can't help but feel like there is no meaning to what I am experiencing.
Meeting "God", the Comet
The following took place before my Star dream on the morning of October 4th while Erik and I stayed in a hotel on San Juan Island:
I'm laying on my back and I feel the tingling electricity in my fingers and toes. It spreads like wildfire and I am officially paralyzed, ready for an out of body experience.
It is dark out, but since my recent out of body victory over my fears of leaving in the dark, I haven't resisted an experience. So I imagine myself floating upward and out.
Nothing happens. I'm still in my body, and I am stuck. Suddenly, there are hands around my ankles and they are pulling me with great force. I don't like this. I revert back to my old ways of assuming every presence is malicious when it's dark, and I immediately abort the experience.
Soon after a few moments of full body wakefulness, I find myself tingling and electric all over again. This time, I decide not to abort, no matter what. I can see the hotel room with vivid clarity. I feel great. Again, I cannot get myself to float upward and out, but I decide to try Robert Monroe's favorite rolling-out method, which I have never even attempted. At first I doubt that I have succeeded, but I look down and I am standing on the floor next to the bed.
I immediately shoot through the roof and into the night sky. Once in space, I remember what my next goal was set to be; I call out, "What is God?".
Before I have time to imagine what may come, a bright blueish white comet burst into my view from the right and turns toward my direction. I know that this is to be my representation of God. As it soars directly at me and gets closer and brighter, I brace myself for its contact.
The comet explodes into my being and I lose all physical sense of self. I am afraid for my lungs at the hotel in bed because I cannot breathe anymore. An enormous wave of bliss shoots into my core. I feel myself rendered helpless to its power. I allow it to move into me and out of me, like a channel. In and out, and then it's gone.
I have had a lot of unexpected things come up since I found out I was pregnant. Recently, I have found myself feeling spiritually lost. I may have frequent out of body experiences, but unlike many of us, I do not 100% believe that they are authentic, in that, I am not convinced that it is nothing more than an unusual function of the brain, like dreaming.
I haven't always been 'faithless,' in fact, I was hungrily spiritual as a child and forced my parents to take me to Sunday School. To my heart's dismay, when I grew a brain around 12, I began questioning everything I believed. I explored other religions, and Wicca/Paganism became my new practice and belief system. One thing I could not get past, however, was the idea of all these gods and goddesses. As beautiful and extraordinary the ideas were, I could not get myself to pray to any specific god or goddess and feel a connection. In fact, during my very first out of body experience, I felt terror, prayed for the goddess to help me, and no benevolent energy was felt. I had to pull myself out.
As an young adult, science became my spiritual inspiration. I was convinced that cellular biology was a study that could enlighten anyone to understand how all animated beings are united. Then, of course, I followed the quantum physics/co-creator movement with undulating passion.
My next spiritual movement began with a mushroom trip. Since that day, I have had around ten life-changing psychedelic trips and one acid trip that have permanently touched me deeper than the deepest of all life experiences. I could romanticize about these experiences poetically until you think I am the cheesiest of cheesy people alive. I'll try and refrain in an attempt to summarize my over-illustrated reasoning.
Becoming pregnant, I turned to Paganism once again for some kind of spiritual guidance. But I hit the same wall as I did at the age of 13; I cannot get myself to believe in any "God", let alone multiple gods and goddesses. This religion is the closest to my belief system in that it worships Nature. This is the closest I can come to finding a system that I can practice ritualistically for my own well being, yet I am stuck, and again feeling lost.
I've had a lot to think about. Making this last OBE a goal to find God is for these reasons, but I am still unsatisfied. I suppose the searching will need to be done in my day to day reality, because OBEs just leave me feeling more mystified than ever.
I'm laying on my back and I feel the tingling electricity in my fingers and toes. It spreads like wildfire and I am officially paralyzed, ready for an out of body experience.
It is dark out, but since my recent out of body victory over my fears of leaving in the dark, I haven't resisted an experience. So I imagine myself floating upward and out.
Nothing happens. I'm still in my body, and I am stuck. Suddenly, there are hands around my ankles and they are pulling me with great force. I don't like this. I revert back to my old ways of assuming every presence is malicious when it's dark, and I immediately abort the experience.
Soon after a few moments of full body wakefulness, I find myself tingling and electric all over again. This time, I decide not to abort, no matter what. I can see the hotel room with vivid clarity. I feel great. Again, I cannot get myself to float upward and out, but I decide to try Robert Monroe's favorite rolling-out method, which I have never even attempted. At first I doubt that I have succeeded, but I look down and I am standing on the floor next to the bed.
I immediately shoot through the roof and into the night sky. Once in space, I remember what my next goal was set to be; I call out, "What is God?".
Before I have time to imagine what may come, a bright blueish white comet burst into my view from the right and turns toward my direction. I know that this is to be my representation of God. As it soars directly at me and gets closer and brighter, I brace myself for its contact.
The comet explodes into my being and I lose all physical sense of self. I am afraid for my lungs at the hotel in bed because I cannot breathe anymore. An enormous wave of bliss shoots into my core. I feel myself rendered helpless to its power. I allow it to move into me and out of me, like a channel. In and out, and then it's gone.
I have had a lot of unexpected things come up since I found out I was pregnant. Recently, I have found myself feeling spiritually lost. I may have frequent out of body experiences, but unlike many of us, I do not 100% believe that they are authentic, in that, I am not convinced that it is nothing more than an unusual function of the brain, like dreaming.
I haven't always been 'faithless,' in fact, I was hungrily spiritual as a child and forced my parents to take me to Sunday School. To my heart's dismay, when I grew a brain around 12, I began questioning everything I believed. I explored other religions, and Wicca/Paganism became my new practice and belief system. One thing I could not get past, however, was the idea of all these gods and goddesses. As beautiful and extraordinary the ideas were, I could not get myself to pray to any specific god or goddess and feel a connection. In fact, during my very first out of body experience, I felt terror, prayed for the goddess to help me, and no benevolent energy was felt. I had to pull myself out.
As an young adult, science became my spiritual inspiration. I was convinced that cellular biology was a study that could enlighten anyone to understand how all animated beings are united. Then, of course, I followed the quantum physics/co-creator movement with undulating passion.
My next spiritual movement began with a mushroom trip. Since that day, I have had around ten life-changing psychedelic trips and one acid trip that have permanently touched me deeper than the deepest of all life experiences. I could romanticize about these experiences poetically until you think I am the cheesiest of cheesy people alive. I'll try and refrain in an attempt to summarize my over-illustrated reasoning.
Becoming pregnant, I turned to Paganism once again for some kind of spiritual guidance. But I hit the same wall as I did at the age of 13; I cannot get myself to believe in any "God", let alone multiple gods and goddesses. This religion is the closest to my belief system in that it worships Nature. This is the closest I can come to finding a system that I can practice ritualistically for my own well being, yet I am stuck, and again feeling lost.
I've had a lot to think about. Making this last OBE a goal to find God is for these reasons, but I am still unsatisfied. I suppose the searching will need to be done in my day to day reality, because OBEs just leave me feeling more mystified than ever.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Star
This morning I had a dream about my baby that lasted for three hours, interrupted by one trip to the bathroom and Erik getting up to make coffee. Even with getting up, I climbed back in bed only to re-enter my dreaming about a baby girl named Star.
There are only some things that I remember..
For some reason, I wasn't able to have her at the Birth Center with the midwives because something went wrong and I ended up at the hospital. It might have been a C-section or it may have been pre-term labor.
It had been days since her arrival on Earth as her own entity, and neither Erik nor I had visited her in NICU. I remember feeling like it was out of my control, so maybe I had been recovering from surgery.
I felt angry that I had been denied the ultimate experience of being with my newborn the moment she arrived, and nursing her and bonding with her. I felt angry and devastated, even though it may have been no one's fault. I was angry that other people had been able to touch her, but that she hadn't known my face or my voice or my touch outside of the womb. The moment I was able, I charged down the hospital hallway and into NICU, where many babies lay in incubators crying for their mommies.
I walked directly toward Star. There was a nurse standing near her incubator, watching her. She let me lift the lid and reach inside and touch her. No moment could be so clear or vivid as the first moment of touching your baby. I stroked her cheek and she looked straight at me. Huge relief washed over me as I recognized her own recognition of me. She knew I was her mom.
Erik came near, and I said, "Look!" and meant, "Look, she's a healthy baby girl! All her arms legs, fingers and toes, and twinkling intelligence!" I was so grateful.
I stroked her blonde hair (Daphne's hair was blonde too. I guess it is possible since Erik was somewhat blond as a little boy). I remember thinking her hair was as softer than anything I had ever felt. I wanted to lift her up and hold her to my bosom, and run out of the hospital and take care of her, but I couldn't.
Star had had trouble breathing since her birth, and with days having gone by, she had made no progress. I got the feeling from the nurses that she would probably be better tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, and she wasn't any better than the day before, the nurses became doubtful of her recovery. Erik and I spent all our time near her, not knowing if she was going to ever come home with us. We stroked her cheeks and hair and talked to her about how much we loved her.
Five days passed, and Star wasn't doing any better than the day of her birth. Erik and I began losing it. Nothing could be more torturous than this.
I'm not sure what happens at this point, but the last part of the dream includes me driving out to some random part of Skagit Valley and laying down to die, so that my body would be found rotted.
There are only some things that I remember..
For some reason, I wasn't able to have her at the Birth Center with the midwives because something went wrong and I ended up at the hospital. It might have been a C-section or it may have been pre-term labor.
It had been days since her arrival on Earth as her own entity, and neither Erik nor I had visited her in NICU. I remember feeling like it was out of my control, so maybe I had been recovering from surgery.
I felt angry that I had been denied the ultimate experience of being with my newborn the moment she arrived, and nursing her and bonding with her. I felt angry and devastated, even though it may have been no one's fault. I was angry that other people had been able to touch her, but that she hadn't known my face or my voice or my touch outside of the womb. The moment I was able, I charged down the hospital hallway and into NICU, where many babies lay in incubators crying for their mommies.
I walked directly toward Star. There was a nurse standing near her incubator, watching her. She let me lift the lid and reach inside and touch her. No moment could be so clear or vivid as the first moment of touching your baby. I stroked her cheek and she looked straight at me. Huge relief washed over me as I recognized her own recognition of me. She knew I was her mom.
Erik came near, and I said, "Look!" and meant, "Look, she's a healthy baby girl! All her arms legs, fingers and toes, and twinkling intelligence!" I was so grateful.
I stroked her blonde hair (Daphne's hair was blonde too. I guess it is possible since Erik was somewhat blond as a little boy). I remember thinking her hair was as softer than anything I had ever felt. I wanted to lift her up and hold her to my bosom, and run out of the hospital and take care of her, but I couldn't.
Star had had trouble breathing since her birth, and with days having gone by, she had made no progress. I got the feeling from the nurses that she would probably be better tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, and she wasn't any better than the day before, the nurses became doubtful of her recovery. Erik and I spent all our time near her, not knowing if she was going to ever come home with us. We stroked her cheeks and hair and talked to her about how much we loved her.
Five days passed, and Star wasn't doing any better than the day of her birth. Erik and I began losing it. Nothing could be more torturous than this.
I'm not sure what happens at this point, but the last part of the dream includes me driving out to some random part of Skagit Valley and laying down to die, so that my body would be found rotted.
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