Meeting My Son Again

I went to bed last night spending some time just sitting up with the light off, sending my wishes out to the universe for an out of body experience wherein I would meet my baby again. I wanted more information and more connection. I wanted to understand why I was dreaming of a baby boy.

Around 3am I got up to pee and although I was tired, I lay awake for a little while before going back to sleep. Around 4:30 I slipped right into paralysis.

I never lost vision of the room, sleeping there on my left side. I begin the intentions of floating upward and my consciousness follows lazily. I'm at the ceiling, still facing the window, scared to look down at myself and see the hovering cloud next to my belly. I just want to leave the room to begin the "dream." But something is nagging at me to look down. So with courage I do. There, sleeping right next to Eden, is about an 18 month old toddler wearing light blue jammies. "Blue again! Jeez" I think. He is moving around in the bed and soon he is crawling toward the edge as I am floating down from the ceiling to meet him. 

I'm excited and already swelling with love in my heart for this child. Meanwhile I can feel my body back in bed with a tiny baby wriggling inside. I am so in love. 

He stands on the edge of the bed holding his arms up as if to say "uppy!" the way my daughter does when she wants me to pick her up. His eyes are big and warm, and.... brown! How can they be brown? Both Erik and I have green eyes. Eden has green eyes. I think to myself that this is a signal that this child could not possibly be mine. (I looked it up later and actually two green eyed parents can have a brown eyed child).

I stand on the floor beside the bed now and I communicate to him that I will pick him up and take him with me outside, but first I need to prepare.

I close my eyes and focus on manifesting a beautiful wrap. I find it under the bed. I pick up my son and put him on my back, wrapping him up inside the way I remember doing with Eden. But I don't remember it very clearly. So I close my eyes and manifest a knife in my hand with magical properties. It appears, but it's not very sharp. I keep my eyes open and force it to become sharp. I am amazed when it does! I then wave it all around the wrap which then tightens up and becomes safe to go flying.

While on the ledge of the window I explain to my son that we can't fly when we are awake, but while we dream, we can fly anywhere. I look out at my street and see a beautiful lit up world in the future. I am amazed by its sustainability and beauty. We jump and begin the great descent down the hill. My skills in flying are getting better. My confidence is great. I can feel the joy of my son behind me.

We go on many great adventures together. A lot of it wouldn't be interesting to read, but it was a significant and long experience with my baby.

At one point my daughter in real life woke me up for a few minutes. My husband took her out of the room to let me sleep in and I had a wake-induced-lucid dream wherein I re-entered that same futuristic world again and went to tell people I was dreaming. They were not interested. I went to tell them about my son and how he has brown eyes and that is not possible, they shrugged as though they didn't know that for sure.

The Dark Cloud

15 weeks pregnant and up at 4:30am 2nd morning in a row. Finally feeling sleepy again I rested beside my 3.5 year old daughter in the slowly dawning light of 5:30am.

I feel myself slipping into the familiar sensations of the preamble to a projection.. but they are subtle. My excitement almost makes me wake up but I breathe deeply to calm myself and focus on the vibrations and electricity. They stay and slowly get stronger and I am relieved because it means my body is getting some kind of sleep.

I float upward and notice an ugly, dark and foreboding cloud about the size of a basketball hovering to the right of my pregnant belly. It feels like it is there for the baby. I cringe but have no control of my floating body and try to dismiss the vision as meaningless. Moving effortlessly through the ceiling, I enter the black abyss of the waiting area. I ask the emptiness for help in healing and am assured that I am being worked on while I dream (I have a chronic illness I am trying to figure out). I ask to meet an angel or spirit guide and for the 100th time no one comes. It is clear to me that this dream is going to be directed by someone other than me. I am waiting for it to begin.

I cannot remember the dream I enter but at some point I float back into the bedroom and hover over mine and Eden's bodies sleeping in the family bed. I am magnetized to Eden's body and want to just peer at her beauty. As I approach I notice that she has the exact same beard as Erik and I laugh there above the bed at the absurdity of this dream. She is so vivid and clear. Fast asleep, she dreams and I watch her with swelling love. She becomes even clearer to me and the clearness shocks me into one breath of fear. The fear creates a disturbing vision: her eyes open and reveal solid blackness with intensely long eyelashes. Just pure, black shiny eyes. It is so crystalline clear that a part of me dies in shock and I am desperate to wake up from this nightmare. 

On the way back to my body I notice again the dark, gently moving cloud beside my belly. I am aghast with this dream. I need to bury it with my waking consciousness. Immediately I count to 5 and focus on moving my right forefinger to wake up and within 10 seconds my eyes are open in shock.

Meeting My Second Baby

I am 10 weeks pregnant today. I woke up around 3 to pee as usual and couldn't get back to sleep for about an hour. Perfect recipe for OBE city.

I begin to feel electric and immobile and shrink into my physical body instead of filling it up. Dull green light permeates my soul. I project immediately out into the room and watch Eden move around in bed as I reach the ceiling, which is incredibly high. I know exactly what I want to do with this experience. I yell out into the everything: "I want to meet my baby!"

I know I have to wait to enter a dream state and get through this transition. The transition moves me from room down into another room full of psychedelic trippyness. I think of how creative the universe is to create these strange rooms for me in order to enter a dream. 

Finally I enter the dream and recognize its dreamlike quality instantly. I walk into a gorgeous Mexican style house with yellow walls and blue and burnt red tiles. To my right there is a living waterfall right inside the room with a sweet pond. I walk toward the kitchen and see a blonde woman. I say, "I am looking for my baby, can you help me find my baby?" She looks at me curiously but has no answer. It dawns on me that this is my future house and I just need to go upstairs and look for a crib.

So I run upstairs and of course there is no crib but there is my beautiful baby boy laying on the bed, swaddled in a dark blue blanket. He is gorgeous and healthy. I am so happy to see him I am bursting with love. I know exactly what to do. I lay beside him and he nurses, just the way Eden used to as a newborn. I am so in love! 

I think to myself, "So I'm having a boy. It seems impossible, but here he is."

I feel like we are communicating as adults do, just without words, which is fantastic, but I can't remember our exchange. It is just wonderful to be together.

More happened, but I can't remember....

Metallic waterfall, the human condition

For the past 5 or 6 weeks I have been suffering from reflux that has progressively gotten worse despite medication and lifestyle changes. The reflux is less a problem than the pain and damage it has caused my esophagus which sometimes bleeds and aches with searing pain. My daily reality at this moment in life is just to survive the day so I can get to next Tuesday where some gastro docs will shove a camera down my throat and figure out the what and why of it.

For this reason, when I had the following out of body experience I knew its message was related but I am still unable to decipher it.

I am laying on the bed, propped up by four pillows in a reclined seated position so that I don't get as much reflux. I have been dozing for the last 20 minutes or so and finally feel myself sinking into sleep. But my awareness stays, and then I am covered in electricity and paralysis.

I feel immobile inside my body. In prison. I have to just let go in the experience, and I swell up into a purple pink colored cloud sky, in the mist of it, just floating there. I think about how I've been waiting for this and know just what to ask the ether: "What is happening to my body and how can I heal it?" Then all of these square inch sized metallic objects begin falling from the sky almost in waterfall formation, onto my astral body, and I feel how horrid this is that it's happening to me and I know even then that my throat back in my physical body is on fire and this is what it all means. 

I try to fly away from it but I can't escape. I have to accept this experience and surrender to it.

Somehow, my very first boyfriend Zack appears inside the dreamscape. He is floating there with me, just a kind and loving witness to my predicament. What is he doing here?

Other things happen but I can't remember what. I do remember having the experience all over again.. floating back to my body and then swelling upward again into that same sky, with the horrible waterfall that enters me. And then back again into unconscious dreams involving Zack, potato chips, and other unrelated things.

Sleepy, Dreamy OBE

I slept from midnight to 6:30 and woke up to my sweet daughter asking me to snuggle her. She ended up getting up with Erik and they let me try to go back to sleep. It took a while, but I did not anticipate an OBE. It seemed too late in the day...

I begin feeling the vibrations and electricity surging throughout my body in triangular shapes. I say instantly, "Yes! I want to go out of body! I have been waiting for this!" I feel a tender spot in my stomach, possibly because I am recovering from the stomach flu, but I am very aware of it. I consider projecting into the room, but realize with full certainty that it doesn't matter whether I do: I just need to wait out the uncomfortable electric part and then I will enter a dream space where I don't feel discomfort anymore. So I wait it out.

Now I am outside of my house on the street, just like last time. I realize I can jump extremely high. So I jump. But there are all these little dogs on the street trying to nip at my ankles. This is a very familiar scenario. When I feel threatened by beings trying to pull me down, it is so much harder to fly high and escape. It takes so much focus and will. I try my best to escape the dogs and fly onto the roof of the house across the street. 

Then I slip out of consciousness and continue dreaming about finding a hiding spot in that house during some kind of apocalyptic drama.

Magnificence

I woke up around 4 and couldn't get back to sleep easily because of a really bad sore throat. But when I did, I drifted directly into dreams for a long time and then found myself electric in my body, restlessly moving around within it, waiting to project.

I float out of my body awkwardly into the room. I don't feel completely present because I am so exhausted and fighting a virus and just want to sleep. Because of this my movements are lazy and without intention.

Somehow I find myself standing in front of my house on my street. I am about sixty feet tall, standing there. It feels magnificent. I am magnificent in size, this is extraordinary. I gradually shrink down until I am closer to ten feet tall, and I begin to jump, great, big elaborate jumps, pushing off with one foot and landing about thirty feet away on the other. Again, my size and this unearthly ability creates a wonderful feeling of magnificence and bliss. I go around the bend of my street and now I am on St. Clair, just jumping these great jumps to feel my power and strength. I have this feeling of another presence with me, who I am sort of teaching how to jump these great jumps, but I never see this person.

Now I make a left onto Texas Street and look toward the sky. My neighborhood is vivid. I appreciate vividness in these experiences and soak it up like food for the soul. I jump and jump and jump extravagant jumps and feel the greatness in my bones. 

I am craving a different landscape. I want to go somewhere else. I am still ten feet tall, and I reach my long, skinny arms out to the front of me and rip open the fabric of this scene as though it's merely a curtain, exposing a grassy field in another reality. The sky is pink in there. I like it and I want to go. I rip wider and wider until my neighborhood is completely gone and step inside the meadow, losing consciousness completely.

A Lesson in Gratitude

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, and drifted back to sleep around 6.

I know I have drifted into a mini dream. In it, a camcorder from the nineties is hanging in the corner of the room and I instantly begin my obnoxious chimpanzee personality by yelling at it. Saying creepy things, daring it to come and get me because I will slam it if it does. I become aware within moments that this is not who I want to be, and not the way I want to spend this experience. The camcorder comes closer to me and I switch to my normal self. I say "It's okay, you can come and do whatever it is you are planning to do to me. I am not afraid." So it gets closer and closer, until it explodes into separate parts and the pieces tumble into me, but I don't feel a thing except the joy of surrender.

Suddenly I am vibrating in my body ready to project. I instantly propel into a black space and a greenish yellow light in the shape of an upside down trapezoid appears before me and I know it is a representation of my guide. I am so thrilled to see it. My heart is singing and I am sending out messages of joy and love and gratitude for its appearance. I follow it deeper into this empty realm. It feels like we are playing a game of tag and I am it. It is playful. But eventually the light escapes my vision and is gone. I am left with a sadness, but I know a lesson is next.

I walk down the stairs knowing I am to see my mother. I am calling to her like a child. When I arrive downstairs I see her sitting at a small table with children. She is a teacher. Her face keeps getting hidden by random things, but when I finally get a peek I see her striking youthful beauty. She looks how she did when I was their age. How I remember her as a child.

I come to her and interrupt her conversation, telling her it's important. I just want her to know that I am so grateful for her. I am grateful for all she has done for me as my mother. I get a feeling I have passed some kind of test and wake up.

Resistance, Sedation & Attack: Lessons of the Night

Up at 2:28am this morning, I drifted back into dreams soon after and found myself drinking iced lemonade with my little wee Eden, almost three now. We were sitting happily until, almost as in a joke, the lights turned off and I fell flat on my back into total paralysis. A sense of doom and terror hit me like a rock while Eden just sat beside me drinking her lemonade. I felt the horror of "they are going to come and take me" and I did not want that to happen and leave Eden no one to take care of her, so I counted to three and forced myself to move my left pointer finger and made myself roll over to face Eden.

I lay awake thinking about what happened. Why had I resisted? Resistance has been my mode of operation as far as I can remember, and this is a huge theme I am working so hard on in my life. I don't want to resist anymore. I told myself I had never been harmed by being "taken." I guilted myself and consequently stayed awake much longer than I intended.

By 4:30 I decided to buckle down and do some deep breathing. I asked myself what could some possible intentions be if I fall into paralysis again? What could I ask? Where could I go? Nothing really seemed right, or with my heart, or passionate. But I finally settled on asking, "Should Erik buy his sound system?", something he asked me to "sleep on" last night.

When the electric sensations finally come, they fill my chest and spread from there until I can't move, and yet am moving at extreme frequency vibrationally. Instantly I surround my body with a cocoon of brilliant white light to protect me from being taken against my will. Instantly I feel a slap or a spank (not physical, but emotional) for, in a way, resisting once again. But I just build the cocoon even brighter and stronger. 

I don't float upward. Instead I move restlessly within the parameters of my physical body, unsure of what to do next. I am just waiting this part out, the uncomfortable, electric part that I know will pass soon.

When it does, I am floating above our bed in the darkness of the room. A TV appears and I sit and watch in total awe as the images that appear become clear and vibrant. I mentally compare it to how I think of an Ayahuasca vision, dreamlike and full of color and richness. None of the images mean anything. I can't figure it out. So I ask out into the ether, "Should Erik buy his sound system?" and it feels so comical to ask this question and I can feel laughter around me. The images continue to come and mean nothing. 

I am brought to a familiar house. It is a house full of rooms. I have been here before in lucid dreams learning lessons. The light outside the house is beyond brilliant; you cannot see anything beyond the light.

I enter a room where a handful of teenagers are hanging out. Someone has brought me here but I can't see them. But I sense that I am just supposed to watch.

One teenager sprays another in the face with what looks like an aerosol can. It doesn't look like he wants this to happen to him but he also doesn't want to be uncool. He instantly droops in a total state of high. Then the kids prepare some other kind of drug, which is unfamiliar to me and I don't recall how they do it. I sense that it's an upper and will counter the effects of the other drug. Then the kids surround him with Butterfingers and Snickers bars and the like, to prepare for when he wakes up and has the "munchies." I am appalled. I just stare and feel my heart sink that this is how humans treat each other and themselves. One of the kids then places a capsule of some kind on a hot pan in the kitchen and it explodes, filling the air with drugs. We leave.

I am floating in the ceiling with my guide above a couple. They are listening to music, a beautiful love song. The room is decorated warmly. I feel content here. There is some kind of decorative spider hanging from the ceiling. When I notice it the couples disappear into thin air, and a black panther/ferocious dog appears and comes toward me, drooling and barking, scratching at the wall below me, beckoning me to come down. 

My guide says, "This is the room where this dog attacks you," very nonchalantly. I understand that I am not to resist this. I know I'll figure out what to do.

So I willingly float down to the floor to be bitten by this panther/dog/nightmare-of-my-dreams creature. This rabid dog is so fast, my right forearm is instantly being chewed. I don't feel any pain, and I relax myself and try to think of what to do, and then it comes to me. With my left hand, I grab his right eye and dig deeply into his skull, turning, twisting and then pulling it out. His reaction is subtle so I reach for the other eye and do the same, and then throw the dog across the room, giving me enough time to fly toward the door and jump off the ledge into the woods.

The Great Big Blue Eye

I woke up around 4am and wanted to take the time to think about my OBE intentions if I had the chance to project while falling back asleep. I considered everything, my newfound realization that there might be something valid about my experiences, and therefore that the spirits who come and throw me around the room sometimes or just stand by the bed and stare at me concerned me. But I decided that if anything negative came to me I would send it love and see if that helped, as it has once in the past. I did not want to swear or yell or be obnoxious.

I thought about wanting to know where my current back pain is coming from.

I thought about trying to engage with Mother Ayahuasca because I still feel her in me somehow.

I thought about the Green Man from one of my past lucid dreams who I still miss and ache to see again.

It took a while this time, because I was excited and anxious, but I knew I was dreaming immediately when a dream began...

I am instantly flying. I can't wait to tell Erik. I want him to come too.

Paralysis, awareness of my body, vibrations, yada yada yada. It's coming, it's all here, it's happening, and I'm not scared. It's light in the bedroom now. I feel totally safe.

So I project upward and fly straight through the ceiling. I fly through the Earth's atmosphere, but it looks a lot like the book I read to Eden last night before bed, and same as when I enter outer space. When I get to the blackness of space watching the twinkling stars, nothing above me, nothing below, I let out sounds of happiness and joy that I made it. It's a little obnoxious, but it's not the yelling/raging/swearing obnoxious essence of me I'm trying to exorcise.

Then I think of trying to find the negative entities that bother me sometimes, and immediately try and make that suggestion go away, and correct it with, I want to meet Mother Ayahuasca.

I am in instant blackness. A tiny blue eye appears in the center of this blackness. It gets closer and closer to me, or I am getting close and closer to it, I don't know, until this great big, visceral blue eye is taking up all that I can see in this scene... and I enter it. I remind myself not to resist, "Do not resist, let it take you" and I let it take me inside of it. I am in the great optical nerves of this eye and I keep going deeper until I am sitting in the center of its knowledge and then I know.

(but I don't get to keep what I know, I remember nothing)

I am back in my body, and the electricity is consuming me again. Normally I would try and stop the experience so I could sleep now, but I am choosing not to resist, I am choosing to respond. I am feeling unconditionally. So I begin separating from my body and floating upward and this time I feel hands on my body, but they are friendly hands, and while I feel vulnerable, I feel their loving intention. They are expressing total support of me on my quest. I don't know if it's healing or if it's just love and support, but it's sublime and I am glad they are there.

When I am out of my body, I have entered a lucid dream like state. Erik and Eden are playing on the bed. I fly toward Erik and gently tap his forehead with my big right toe. He laughs. It's great to have him respond because normally he's sleeping when I do something like that and now he finally sees me out of my body flying around! I land on the ground next to him and tell him he's handsome and we kiss. I am so happy to spend time with him here. 

Twice more I end up back in my body and project out again, and twice more I have dream like experiences with Erik, where we are happy and I can't get enough kisses. I can't recall every detail but all of it is good, especially that I did not resist any of the subsequent experiences no matter how tired I was. I needed to trust that what was happening needed to happen.

When it was all over and I was back in my body for the last time, it was still completely dark in the room at 6:15am. I wonder where all that gorgeous morning light came from?

I drifted back into unconscious sleep and dreamed and dreamed. And in one of the dreams I recalled a memory that may help me find the key to where my back pain is coming from. And I'm ready to face it.

Origami Rabbit and Other Absurdities

Awake in the early hours of morning, I was relieved to finally find myself in a dream.

I'm standing in the hall way of my mother's house. I realize I'm dreaming so why not run faster than fast? Immediately I assume I'll want to propel into the sky, but I have zero interest in that in this moment. A light turns on in my old bedroom down the hall, indicating a presence. It's in that direction I want to go.

As I begin moving that way, I become instantly aware of my body laying in bed. I float upward full of total acceptance, despite my exhaustion. I fly below the ceiling towards the far corner of the bedroom, and there hovering is a white, origami rabbit looking creature, just staring, waiting. I laugh at the absurdity of the concept. At the total absurdity of all my OBEs. This is just hysterical. An origami creature?

Instantly I arrive in my old house in Bow, devoid of furniture, but my mother is standing there in all her winter layers. I fly from the ceiling toward her, but stay above her, and begin yelling obscenities. I am so full of fury, and she will feel my fury. Again I am conscious of the absurdity of all of this, but do not refrain. The obscene and angry filled words need to come out. And I have no idea what I am angry about.