Star

This morning I had a dream about my baby that lasted for three hours, interrupted by one trip to the bathroom and Erik getting up to make coffee. Even with getting up, I climbed back in bed only to re-enter my dreaming about a baby girl named Star.

There are only some things that I remember..

For some reason, I wasn't able to have her at the Birth Center with the midwives because something went wrong and I ended up at the hospital. It might have been a C-section or it may have been pre-term labor.

It had been days since her arrival on Earth as her own entity, and neither Erik nor I had visited her in NICU. I remember feeling like it was out of my control, so maybe I had been recovering from surgery.

I felt angry that I had been denied the ultimate experience of being with my newborn the moment she arrived, and nursing her and bonding with her. I felt angry and devastated, even though it may have been no one's fault. I was angry that other people had been able to touch her, but that she hadn't known my face or my voice or my touch outside of the womb. The moment I was able, I charged down the hospital hallway and into NICU, where many babies lay in incubators crying for their mommies.

I walked directly toward Star. There was a nurse standing near her incubator, watching her. She let me lift the lid and reach inside and touch her. No moment could be so clear or vivid as the first moment of touching your baby. I stroked her cheek and she looked straight at me. Huge relief washed over me as I recognized her own recognition of me. She knew I was her mom.

Erik came near, and I said, "Look!" and meant, "Look, she's a healthy baby girl! All her arms legs, fingers and toes, and twinkling intelligence!" I was so grateful.

I stroked her blonde hair (Daphne's hair was blonde too. I guess it is possible since Erik was somewhat blond as a little boy). I remember thinking her hair was as softer than anything I had ever felt. I wanted to lift her up and hold her to my bosom, and run out of the hospital and take care of her, but I couldn't.

Star had had trouble breathing since her birth, and with days having gone by, she had made no progress. I got the feeling from the nurses that she would probably be better tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, and she wasn't any better than the day before, the nurses became doubtful of her recovery. Erik and I spent all our time near her, not knowing if she was going to ever come home with us. We stroked her cheeks and hair and talked to her about how much we loved her.

Five days passed, and Star wasn't doing any better than the day of her birth. Erik and I began losing it. Nothing could be more torturous than this.

I'm not sure what happens at this point, but the last part of the dream includes me driving out to some random part of Skagit Valley and laying down to die, so that my body would be found rotted.