This morning, I knew it was going to happen, but I fell asleep as I was trying to decide what goal to have for a projection.
I'm laying halfway on my stomach when I feel the paralysis sensations come on. Awareness moves from a dream state to awareness of my sleeping body. I experience a feeling of dread and of malice in the dark, but I repeat in my mind, "I am in a safe space," and surround myself with white light. I decide to go with this experience and see what it brings, without bringing effort or goal.
Instead of projecting out of my body, a very dull visual begins to display. It is my body lying diagonally on a rollercoaster sliding down, very fast, backwards. I am unimpressed, but I'm too lazy to abort the experience.
Next, something grabs my ankles just like the last two experiences. I am not surprised, but I am ticked off. I say, "Oh no you don't!" and I wake myself with great force.
Even though I had woken myself up, I felt the grip on my ankles for at least a minute after full body consciousness.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Force by an Unseen Force
The following experience took place this morning around 7am:
For the first time in a while, I woke when Erik got up to get ready for work, and I didn't get back to sleep right away. It occurred to me that I'd probably have an out of body experience, so I began thinking about possible goals. As I was drifting, I remembered that I had wanted to have more experiences in getting to know my baby. Soon, I found myself electric and paralyzed.
I become aware of the entire room, with its limited morning light. I'm laying partway on my back and I'm not quite comfortable with the darkness. I consider waking myself up, but simultaneously feel too lazy to muster up the effort. I decide to be open to any possible experience.
Similarly to my last experience, I feel something tugging at my feet. Before I know it, I am being dragged out of my body by an unseen force. This force drops me near the front of the bedroom door and I realize that I am not even in my astral body; I am a sphere less than 6 inches in diameter.
Suddenly, and abruptly, the unseen force drags me by my feet into the living room. I ask to meet my baby. I am thrown through the window and I feel myself bounce on the ground between our house and the fence. Confused, I wake myself up.
These kinds of experiences leave me more boggled than ever. I can't help but feel like there is no meaning to what I am experiencing.
For the first time in a while, I woke when Erik got up to get ready for work, and I didn't get back to sleep right away. It occurred to me that I'd probably have an out of body experience, so I began thinking about possible goals. As I was drifting, I remembered that I had wanted to have more experiences in getting to know my baby. Soon, I found myself electric and paralyzed.
I become aware of the entire room, with its limited morning light. I'm laying partway on my back and I'm not quite comfortable with the darkness. I consider waking myself up, but simultaneously feel too lazy to muster up the effort. I decide to be open to any possible experience.
Similarly to my last experience, I feel something tugging at my feet. Before I know it, I am being dragged out of my body by an unseen force. This force drops me near the front of the bedroom door and I realize that I am not even in my astral body; I am a sphere less than 6 inches in diameter.
Suddenly, and abruptly, the unseen force drags me by my feet into the living room. I ask to meet my baby. I am thrown through the window and I feel myself bounce on the ground between our house and the fence. Confused, I wake myself up.
These kinds of experiences leave me more boggled than ever. I can't help but feel like there is no meaning to what I am experiencing.
Meeting "God", the Comet
The following took place before my Star dream on the morning of October 4th while Erik and I stayed in a hotel on San Juan Island:
I'm laying on my back and I feel the tingling electricity in my fingers and toes. It spreads like wildfire and I am officially paralyzed, ready for an out of body experience.
It is dark out, but since my recent out of body victory over my fears of leaving in the dark, I haven't resisted an experience. So I imagine myself floating upward and out.
Nothing happens. I'm still in my body, and I am stuck. Suddenly, there are hands around my ankles and they are pulling me with great force. I don't like this. I revert back to my old ways of assuming every presence is malicious when it's dark, and I immediately abort the experience.
Soon after a few moments of full body wakefulness, I find myself tingling and electric all over again. This time, I decide not to abort, no matter what. I can see the hotel room with vivid clarity. I feel great. Again, I cannot get myself to float upward and out, but I decide to try Robert Monroe's favorite rolling-out method, which I have never even attempted. At first I doubt that I have succeeded, but I look down and I am standing on the floor next to the bed.
I immediately shoot through the roof and into the night sky. Once in space, I remember what my next goal was set to be; I call out, "What is God?".
Before I have time to imagine what may come, a bright blueish white comet burst into my view from the right and turns toward my direction. I know that this is to be my representation of God. As it soars directly at me and gets closer and brighter, I brace myself for its contact.
The comet explodes into my being and I lose all physical sense of self. I am afraid for my lungs at the hotel in bed because I cannot breathe anymore. An enormous wave of bliss shoots into my core. I feel myself rendered helpless to its power. I allow it to move into me and out of me, like a channel. In and out, and then it's gone.
I have had a lot of unexpected things come up since I found out I was pregnant. Recently, I have found myself feeling spiritually lost. I may have frequent out of body experiences, but unlike many of us, I do not 100% believe that they are authentic, in that, I am not convinced that it is nothing more than an unusual function of the brain, like dreaming.
I haven't always been 'faithless,' in fact, I was hungrily spiritual as a child and forced my parents to take me to Sunday School. To my heart's dismay, when I grew a brain around 12, I began questioning everything I believed. I explored other religions, and Wicca/Paganism became my new practice and belief system. One thing I could not get past, however, was the idea of all these gods and goddesses. As beautiful and extraordinary the ideas were, I could not get myself to pray to any specific god or goddess and feel a connection. In fact, during my very first out of body experience, I felt terror, prayed for the goddess to help me, and no benevolent energy was felt. I had to pull myself out.
As an young adult, science became my spiritual inspiration. I was convinced that cellular biology was a study that could enlighten anyone to understand how all animated beings are united. Then, of course, I followed the quantum physics/co-creator movement with undulating passion.
My next spiritual movement began with a mushroom trip. Since that day, I have had around ten life-changing psychedelic trips and one acid trip that have permanently touched me deeper than the deepest of all life experiences. I could romanticize about these experiences poetically until you think I am the cheesiest of cheesy people alive. I'll try and refrain in an attempt to summarize my over-illustrated reasoning.
Becoming pregnant, I turned to Paganism once again for some kind of spiritual guidance. But I hit the same wall as I did at the age of 13; I cannot get myself to believe in any "God", let alone multiple gods and goddesses. This religion is the closest to my belief system in that it worships Nature. This is the closest I can come to finding a system that I can practice ritualistically for my own well being, yet I am stuck, and again feeling lost.
I've had a lot to think about. Making this last OBE a goal to find God is for these reasons, but I am still unsatisfied. I suppose the searching will need to be done in my day to day reality, because OBEs just leave me feeling more mystified than ever.
I'm laying on my back and I feel the tingling electricity in my fingers and toes. It spreads like wildfire and I am officially paralyzed, ready for an out of body experience.
It is dark out, but since my recent out of body victory over my fears of leaving in the dark, I haven't resisted an experience. So I imagine myself floating upward and out.
Nothing happens. I'm still in my body, and I am stuck. Suddenly, there are hands around my ankles and they are pulling me with great force. I don't like this. I revert back to my old ways of assuming every presence is malicious when it's dark, and I immediately abort the experience.
Soon after a few moments of full body wakefulness, I find myself tingling and electric all over again. This time, I decide not to abort, no matter what. I can see the hotel room with vivid clarity. I feel great. Again, I cannot get myself to float upward and out, but I decide to try Robert Monroe's favorite rolling-out method, which I have never even attempted. At first I doubt that I have succeeded, but I look down and I am standing on the floor next to the bed.
I immediately shoot through the roof and into the night sky. Once in space, I remember what my next goal was set to be; I call out, "What is God?".
Before I have time to imagine what may come, a bright blueish white comet burst into my view from the right and turns toward my direction. I know that this is to be my representation of God. As it soars directly at me and gets closer and brighter, I brace myself for its contact.
The comet explodes into my being and I lose all physical sense of self. I am afraid for my lungs at the hotel in bed because I cannot breathe anymore. An enormous wave of bliss shoots into my core. I feel myself rendered helpless to its power. I allow it to move into me and out of me, like a channel. In and out, and then it's gone.
I have had a lot of unexpected things come up since I found out I was pregnant. Recently, I have found myself feeling spiritually lost. I may have frequent out of body experiences, but unlike many of us, I do not 100% believe that they are authentic, in that, I am not convinced that it is nothing more than an unusual function of the brain, like dreaming.
I haven't always been 'faithless,' in fact, I was hungrily spiritual as a child and forced my parents to take me to Sunday School. To my heart's dismay, when I grew a brain around 12, I began questioning everything I believed. I explored other religions, and Wicca/Paganism became my new practice and belief system. One thing I could not get past, however, was the idea of all these gods and goddesses. As beautiful and extraordinary the ideas were, I could not get myself to pray to any specific god or goddess and feel a connection. In fact, during my very first out of body experience, I felt terror, prayed for the goddess to help me, and no benevolent energy was felt. I had to pull myself out.
As an young adult, science became my spiritual inspiration. I was convinced that cellular biology was a study that could enlighten anyone to understand how all animated beings are united. Then, of course, I followed the quantum physics/co-creator movement with undulating passion.
My next spiritual movement began with a mushroom trip. Since that day, I have had around ten life-changing psychedelic trips and one acid trip that have permanently touched me deeper than the deepest of all life experiences. I could romanticize about these experiences poetically until you think I am the cheesiest of cheesy people alive. I'll try and refrain in an attempt to summarize my over-illustrated reasoning.
Becoming pregnant, I turned to Paganism once again for some kind of spiritual guidance. But I hit the same wall as I did at the age of 13; I cannot get myself to believe in any "God", let alone multiple gods and goddesses. This religion is the closest to my belief system in that it worships Nature. This is the closest I can come to finding a system that I can practice ritualistically for my own well being, yet I am stuck, and again feeling lost.
I've had a lot to think about. Making this last OBE a goal to find God is for these reasons, but I am still unsatisfied. I suppose the searching will need to be done in my day to day reality, because OBEs just leave me feeling more mystified than ever.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Star
This morning I had a dream about my baby that lasted for three hours, interrupted by one trip to the bathroom and Erik getting up to make coffee. Even with getting up, I climbed back in bed only to re-enter my dreaming about a baby girl named Star.
There are only some things that I remember..
For some reason, I wasn't able to have her at the Birth Center with the midwives because something went wrong and I ended up at the hospital. It might have been a C-section or it may have been pre-term labor.
It had been days since her arrival on Earth as her own entity, and neither Erik nor I had visited her in NICU. I remember feeling like it was out of my control, so maybe I had been recovering from surgery.
I felt angry that I had been denied the ultimate experience of being with my newborn the moment she arrived, and nursing her and bonding with her. I felt angry and devastated, even though it may have been no one's fault. I was angry that other people had been able to touch her, but that she hadn't known my face or my voice or my touch outside of the womb. The moment I was able, I charged down the hospital hallway and into NICU, where many babies lay in incubators crying for their mommies.
I walked directly toward Star. There was a nurse standing near her incubator, watching her. She let me lift the lid and reach inside and touch her. No moment could be so clear or vivid as the first moment of touching your baby. I stroked her cheek and she looked straight at me. Huge relief washed over me as I recognized her own recognition of me. She knew I was her mom.
Erik came near, and I said, "Look!" and meant, "Look, she's a healthy baby girl! All her arms legs, fingers and toes, and twinkling intelligence!" I was so grateful.
I stroked her blonde hair (Daphne's hair was blonde too. I guess it is possible since Erik was somewhat blond as a little boy). I remember thinking her hair was as softer than anything I had ever felt. I wanted to lift her up and hold her to my bosom, and run out of the hospital and take care of her, but I couldn't.
Star had had trouble breathing since her birth, and with days having gone by, she had made no progress. I got the feeling from the nurses that she would probably be better tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, and she wasn't any better than the day before, the nurses became doubtful of her recovery. Erik and I spent all our time near her, not knowing if she was going to ever come home with us. We stroked her cheeks and hair and talked to her about how much we loved her.
Five days passed, and Star wasn't doing any better than the day of her birth. Erik and I began losing it. Nothing could be more torturous than this.
I'm not sure what happens at this point, but the last part of the dream includes me driving out to some random part of Skagit Valley and laying down to die, so that my body would be found rotted.
There are only some things that I remember..
For some reason, I wasn't able to have her at the Birth Center with the midwives because something went wrong and I ended up at the hospital. It might have been a C-section or it may have been pre-term labor.
It had been days since her arrival on Earth as her own entity, and neither Erik nor I had visited her in NICU. I remember feeling like it was out of my control, so maybe I had been recovering from surgery.
I felt angry that I had been denied the ultimate experience of being with my newborn the moment she arrived, and nursing her and bonding with her. I felt angry and devastated, even though it may have been no one's fault. I was angry that other people had been able to touch her, but that she hadn't known my face or my voice or my touch outside of the womb. The moment I was able, I charged down the hospital hallway and into NICU, where many babies lay in incubators crying for their mommies.
I walked directly toward Star. There was a nurse standing near her incubator, watching her. She let me lift the lid and reach inside and touch her. No moment could be so clear or vivid as the first moment of touching your baby. I stroked her cheek and she looked straight at me. Huge relief washed over me as I recognized her own recognition of me. She knew I was her mom.
Erik came near, and I said, "Look!" and meant, "Look, she's a healthy baby girl! All her arms legs, fingers and toes, and twinkling intelligence!" I was so grateful.
I stroked her blonde hair (Daphne's hair was blonde too. I guess it is possible since Erik was somewhat blond as a little boy). I remember thinking her hair was as softer than anything I had ever felt. I wanted to lift her up and hold her to my bosom, and run out of the hospital and take care of her, but I couldn't.
Star had had trouble breathing since her birth, and with days having gone by, she had made no progress. I got the feeling from the nurses that she would probably be better tomorrow. But when tomorrow came, and she wasn't any better than the day before, the nurses became doubtful of her recovery. Erik and I spent all our time near her, not knowing if she was going to ever come home with us. We stroked her cheeks and hair and talked to her about how much we loved her.
Five days passed, and Star wasn't doing any better than the day of her birth. Erik and I began losing it. Nothing could be more torturous than this.
I'm not sure what happens at this point, but the last part of the dream includes me driving out to some random part of Skagit Valley and laying down to die, so that my body would be found rotted.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Another Trip In Space
This morning after the third time to pee around 5am, I was disgruntled. I was exhausted and completely frustrated with all the peeeeeing and waking up. When I climbed back into bed, I knew I was going to be awake for a while. Erik got up and went to work around 6, and I finally felt myself getting sleepy around 6:30. I knew an OBE was in the works. I could feel it. For the first time in a long time, I didn't want anything to do with it. I decided that if I felt any of the sensations to OBE, I was just going to be lazy and do nothing and see what happened. A goalless projection.
When the sensations came, I felt myself roll my eyes (in my mind). It actually began with prickly sensations around different parts of my body and ended with a feeling in my right hand. Then I was full blown electric.
I stay in this state for a while. When normally I would probably just float upward almost immediately, I wanted to see if I would have to do all the work for this experience when I didn't even want it in the first place.
When nothing happens, I reluctantly shoot myself out of body. For the first time, EVER, I see the room how it actually is. I see the windows in the correct shapes with the blinds just so, and the wall texture as it is with the funny UFO lights on the ceiling. I shoot straight up through the ceiling at a perfect 90 degree angle.
I continued to propel upward at great speed until I perceive that I am breaking through the Earth's Azure atmosphere. The stars emerge. Again, for the first time EVER, I see the stars the way they look and appear in photographs and footage; there must be millions of varying sizes of twinkling balls of gas. I am still propelling at great speed.
I realize almost immediately that I am far away from home and feel a little anxiety and direct myself home.
When the sensations came, I felt myself roll my eyes (in my mind). It actually began with prickly sensations around different parts of my body and ended with a feeling in my right hand. Then I was full blown electric.
I stay in this state for a while. When normally I would probably just float upward almost immediately, I wanted to see if I would have to do all the work for this experience when I didn't even want it in the first place.
When nothing happens, I reluctantly shoot myself out of body. For the first time, EVER, I see the room how it actually is. I see the windows in the correct shapes with the blinds just so, and the wall texture as it is with the funny UFO lights on the ceiling. I shoot straight up through the ceiling at a perfect 90 degree angle.
I continued to propel upward at great speed until I perceive that I am breaking through the Earth's Azure atmosphere. The stars emerge. Again, for the first time EVER, I see the stars the way they look and appear in photographs and footage; there must be millions of varying sizes of twinkling balls of gas. I am still propelling at great speed.
I realize almost immediately that I am far away from home and feel a little anxiety and direct myself home.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Orca Whales, Bamboo, Mirror Mirror in the Middle of Air
Amazing.
Same scenario this morning as last night, although it wasn't until around 6am that the following projection occurred:
I feel electric. I call on the vibrations, and they barely arrive. I realize that I'm needing them less and less to project. In acceptance of this, I simply project up and out. For the first time, I stare directly at the ceiling and project toward it. I put my hands out to stop myself from hitting it and become fascinated by the fact that I'm not seeing my hands very well. Immediately upon noticing this, I focus much harder, and notice that my astral hands are not very defined but full of blue light and sparkles.
I turn around briefly to note my and my husband's bodies lying under the blankets in bed. Then I swiftly move through the window and out into the street where I hover in wonder.
I realize what I was hoping to accomplish and state aloud, "Bring me what I am ready for". (After discussing my experience last night with my husband, complaining that I seem to not be ready for these great feats of meeting my spirit guide, higher self, akashic records, etc, we decided the next goal ought to be just requesting to experience what I am 'ready for'.)
I wait very patiently. (I had decided yesterday that this element was important so that I did not create a reality for myself). I am void of all thinking, and I just wait.
Suddenly I am peering at a small household planter full of small bamboo plants on my brand new nightstand. I watch as they grow about 2 inches per second to full growth, and then the same process in reverse. I cannot figure out what this resembles during this experience.
Now, in a new world, I dive into the murky waters of a gray ocean. Immediately upon entering I allow myself to breathe, realizing that this is something I am certainly ready for. It's humbling, as I have been 'breathing' underwater out of body for several years now, but still, I appreciate it.
I move past the sea creatures with awe and respect. Soon, I see the rich and highly contrasted patterns of the black and white orca whale. I am swimming right past its body and I feel electric with care as I swim past. Acknowledging that I would rather not be in such a majestic and sacred being's space, I decide to fly out of the water and leave it alone. I gasp as I hover above, witnessing two humans in raincoats, one yellow one red, TRAINING the orca! The place I was swimming was a ocean-like man-made pool, specifically for training whales. I back way off and leave the scene entirely. This is too barbaric for even my astral self.
Things get somewhat fuzzy from here as I project into the house I grew up in again, and I am walking down the hall with my stepdad and we are talking together. I regain my lucidity full force when I fly through the sliding glass door of my old bedroom and through the trees and out into the street.
It crosses my mind to consider validating this experience. Part of me laughs, in realizing that I have never (never) projected into a real-time place that appeared just the way it does in real life. But before I have time to think a mirror appears hovering in midair above the neighbor's lawn. So I approach it, ready to look at my own image.
What I see is neither exciting nor disappointing. It looks like me, Laura Moore, only the skin on my face is ever-moving and I have freckles and wild hair. I stare, with strong clarity and lucidity, directly into my face and I say, "You are beautiful," with as much heart and sincerity as possible.
Same scenario this morning as last night, although it wasn't until around 6am that the following projection occurred:
I feel electric. I call on the vibrations, and they barely arrive. I realize that I'm needing them less and less to project. In acceptance of this, I simply project up and out. For the first time, I stare directly at the ceiling and project toward it. I put my hands out to stop myself from hitting it and become fascinated by the fact that I'm not seeing my hands very well. Immediately upon noticing this, I focus much harder, and notice that my astral hands are not very defined but full of blue light and sparkles.
I turn around briefly to note my and my husband's bodies lying under the blankets in bed. Then I swiftly move through the window and out into the street where I hover in wonder.
I realize what I was hoping to accomplish and state aloud, "Bring me what I am ready for". (After discussing my experience last night with my husband, complaining that I seem to not be ready for these great feats of meeting my spirit guide, higher self, akashic records, etc, we decided the next goal ought to be just requesting to experience what I am 'ready for'.)
I wait very patiently. (I had decided yesterday that this element was important so that I did not create a reality for myself). I am void of all thinking, and I just wait.
Suddenly I am peering at a small household planter full of small bamboo plants on my brand new nightstand. I watch as they grow about 2 inches per second to full growth, and then the same process in reverse. I cannot figure out what this resembles during this experience.
Now, in a new world, I dive into the murky waters of a gray ocean. Immediately upon entering I allow myself to breathe, realizing that this is something I am certainly ready for. It's humbling, as I have been 'breathing' underwater out of body for several years now, but still, I appreciate it.
I move past the sea creatures with awe and respect. Soon, I see the rich and highly contrasted patterns of the black and white orca whale. I am swimming right past its body and I feel electric with care as I swim past. Acknowledging that I would rather not be in such a majestic and sacred being's space, I decide to fly out of the water and leave it alone. I gasp as I hover above, witnessing two humans in raincoats, one yellow one red, TRAINING the orca! The place I was swimming was a ocean-like man-made pool, specifically for training whales. I back way off and leave the scene entirely. This is too barbaric for even my astral self.
Things get somewhat fuzzy from here as I project into the house I grew up in again, and I am walking down the hall with my stepdad and we are talking together. I regain my lucidity full force when I fly through the sliding glass door of my old bedroom and through the trees and out into the street.
It crosses my mind to consider validating this experience. Part of me laughs, in realizing that I have never (never) projected into a real-time place that appeared just the way it does in real life. But before I have time to think a mirror appears hovering in midair above the neighbor's lawn. So I approach it, ready to look at my own image.
What I see is neither exciting nor disappointing. It looks like me, Laura Moore, only the skin on my face is ever-moving and I have freckles and wild hair. I stare, with strong clarity and lucidity, directly into my face and I say, "You are beautiful," with as much heart and sincerity as possible.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
First intentional OBE in the dead of Night
The following was posted on the explorations in consciousness forum. To check out the thread I am referring to below, go to: http://www.explorations-in-consciousness.com/forums/index.php?topic=1128.0
As some of you know, I suffered from 'astral catalepsy on repeat' last week, and although I knew at the time I could have left my body during the 25+ times it happened that night, I have always been too terrified. However, after your encouraging comments I decided to commit to leaving my body the next time the opportunity presented itself in the middle of the night.
As usual, lately, it was because I had to get up to pee so much. By the third time, it must have been between 4 and 5, I lay back down and knew that it would take me a little while to get back to sleep. It began to cross my mind that I would probably experience AP due to the deep state of sleep I had left before getting up to pee.
Let me mention here, that I was scared. I kept staring at the closet door, like a child, wondering what kind of monster might open it and peak through any second. I even reached a point of fear that made it really easy for me to shrug and say, I'm going to abort it if it happens! But when that thought arose, I was disappointed in myself and made the firm decision that I would definitely allow myself to OBE if AP happened.
I begin to feel electricity seep and jolt throughout my body, and know that it is time. I sense the darkness in the room and fight the urge to think negatively. To combat my own mind, I immediately recite the word "Love" over and over and over, trying to imagine my husband that I love so much, breathing and sleeping soundly right next to me.
This is working! I am so focused on reciting the word "Love" that I have no time to create demons or stir up my fears. When I sense that my astral body is ready, I think to myself a little hesitantly, 'Ok, here we go!', and float upward and out.
I float up to the ceiling with grace, and confidently move through the ceiling. I end up in the dark, still sky of night, floating upward, feeling like the shape of an Evergreen tree.
That's all I can recall from that experience, but then I found myself in the AP state again, ready to leave the body:
This time I project directly from my body and straight into the bedroom of the house I grew up in. Immediately, I float out the sliding glass door and through the trees and up, hovering above the old lawn there (now it is full of flowers). It is still very dark out, but I am proud of myself for not losing it. It feels just like a morning OBE! Nothing bad is happening at all.
I begin flying toward the golf course (we lived on the 16th hole, never played a game in my life) and play around with the speeds of flight. I notice that I can change my speed to move extremely fast, but that the distance I achieve with that speed does not match -- I've barely moved at all. Strange.
Now I'm walking along the golf course and I have an idea for a goal! I say out loud "I want to meet my Higher Self!" Nothing changes. I demand "I meet my Higher Self!". It feels like nothing is changing, but I remember that the scenery became enhanced with psychedelic patterns surrounding a blue sphere, very transparent.
Suddenly I begin flying through my self-created Rainbow World -- one that I have re-created over and over, in an attempt to find the original Rainbow World I encountered once at the age of 12 in a lucid dream. Everything is sparkly, and I am soaring through rainbows. I think to myself, 'Well it's not really meeting my Higher Self, but it's a good sign!'
A very small moth appears a couple yards ahead of me. I begin flying backwards to get away from it, but it comes closer. I fly backwards at a greater speed, and it's still getting closer! It begins to change into a beautiful yellow and black butterfly and gets bigger and bigger. It doesn't occur to me that this could be some form of my 'Higher Self', not at all. I am intimidated by it, irritated, and I want it out of my sight! As it grows bigger, I force my astral body to grow bigger! I realize that I am becoming a huge, huge man! (a man again?)
I am embarrassed to admit this, but I try to break its wings. It heals immediately and grows even bigger. So I force myself awake.
Did I try to break the wings of my Higher Self?!
Any ideas on what this means??
I'm afraid it's just another reflection of just how not ready I am to evolve. :(
As some of you know, I suffered from 'astral catalepsy on repeat' last week, and although I knew at the time I could have left my body during the 25+ times it happened that night, I have always been too terrified. However, after your encouraging comments I decided to commit to leaving my body the next time the opportunity presented itself in the middle of the night.
As usual, lately, it was because I had to get up to pee so much. By the third time, it must have been between 4 and 5, I lay back down and knew that it would take me a little while to get back to sleep. It began to cross my mind that I would probably experience AP due to the deep state of sleep I had left before getting up to pee.
Let me mention here, that I was scared. I kept staring at the closet door, like a child, wondering what kind of monster might open it and peak through any second. I even reached a point of fear that made it really easy for me to shrug and say, I'm going to abort it if it happens! But when that thought arose, I was disappointed in myself and made the firm decision that I would definitely allow myself to OBE if AP happened.
I begin to feel electricity seep and jolt throughout my body, and know that it is time. I sense the darkness in the room and fight the urge to think negatively. To combat my own mind, I immediately recite the word "Love" over and over and over, trying to imagine my husband that I love so much, breathing and sleeping soundly right next to me.
This is working! I am so focused on reciting the word "Love" that I have no time to create demons or stir up my fears. When I sense that my astral body is ready, I think to myself a little hesitantly, 'Ok, here we go!', and float upward and out.
I float up to the ceiling with grace, and confidently move through the ceiling. I end up in the dark, still sky of night, floating upward, feeling like the shape of an Evergreen tree.
That's all I can recall from that experience, but then I found myself in the AP state again, ready to leave the body:
This time I project directly from my body and straight into the bedroom of the house I grew up in. Immediately, I float out the sliding glass door and through the trees and up, hovering above the old lawn there (now it is full of flowers). It is still very dark out, but I am proud of myself for not losing it. It feels just like a morning OBE! Nothing bad is happening at all.
I begin flying toward the golf course (we lived on the 16th hole, never played a game in my life) and play around with the speeds of flight. I notice that I can change my speed to move extremely fast, but that the distance I achieve with that speed does not match -- I've barely moved at all. Strange.
Now I'm walking along the golf course and I have an idea for a goal! I say out loud "I want to meet my Higher Self!" Nothing changes. I demand "I meet my Higher Self!". It feels like nothing is changing, but I remember that the scenery became enhanced with psychedelic patterns surrounding a blue sphere, very transparent.
Suddenly I begin flying through my self-created Rainbow World -- one that I have re-created over and over, in an attempt to find the original Rainbow World I encountered once at the age of 12 in a lucid dream. Everything is sparkly, and I am soaring through rainbows. I think to myself, 'Well it's not really meeting my Higher Self, but it's a good sign!'
A very small moth appears a couple yards ahead of me. I begin flying backwards to get away from it, but it comes closer. I fly backwards at a greater speed, and it's still getting closer! It begins to change into a beautiful yellow and black butterfly and gets bigger and bigger. It doesn't occur to me that this could be some form of my 'Higher Self', not at all. I am intimidated by it, irritated, and I want it out of my sight! As it grows bigger, I force my astral body to grow bigger! I realize that I am becoming a huge, huge man! (a man again?)
I am embarrassed to admit this, but I try to break its wings. It heals immediately and grows even bigger. So I force myself awake.
Did I try to break the wings of my Higher Self?!
Any ideas on what this means??
I'm afraid it's just another reflection of just how not ready I am to evolve. :(
Monday, September 14, 2009
Visible Grizzlies and Invisible Guidance
This morning I woke around 3:30 and was having a difficult time getting back to sleep. I went in and out of light sleep until about 6:30 when I made the intention clear that I'd like to leave my body. I decided I'd like to meet my spirit guide.
Soon after, I felt the sinking, vibrating, paralysis sensation, and without hesitation I floated upward.
The room is fuzzy, almost like static. When I get to the ceiling I turn around to look at the room. I shout "clarity!" and for a moment the room becomes clear. Suddenly I am transported to a very vivid world. I am floating inside a room, watching as the room in front of me spins down. Each time it exposes a new room, it pauses, and then spins down again. Each room is filled with ferns and all the colors of the rainbow with inanimate objects. Nothing is alive here.
I am back in my body and I concentrate on not waking up. I feel the subtle sensations of paralysis and float upward without allowing it to get stronger. Instantly I project into an entirely new world. I'm flying over the outdoor area of a beautiful resort on a bright blue ocean. The gardens are magnificent and unique -- not like anything I think anyone would produce on Earth.
I'm soaring over this land, swooping low to visit details. All around there is movement -- movement of people and movement of something else. I swoop down lower just to verify -- yes -- I am looking at bears. Big giant grizzly bears, and they are relaxing in their own space without threat. I'm afraid of bears, even though I can tell they are not harmful here. Still, I call to my spirit guide. I ask to see him or her. When no one appears, I turn around to look behind me. I cannot see anyone, but I grab my guide's hand and hold it tight. We continue to fly, and I feel safe.
Soon after, I felt the sinking, vibrating, paralysis sensation, and without hesitation I floated upward.
The room is fuzzy, almost like static. When I get to the ceiling I turn around to look at the room. I shout "clarity!" and for a moment the room becomes clear. Suddenly I am transported to a very vivid world. I am floating inside a room, watching as the room in front of me spins down. Each time it exposes a new room, it pauses, and then spins down again. Each room is filled with ferns and all the colors of the rainbow with inanimate objects. Nothing is alive here.
I am back in my body and I concentrate on not waking up. I feel the subtle sensations of paralysis and float upward without allowing it to get stronger. Instantly I project into an entirely new world. I'm flying over the outdoor area of a beautiful resort on a bright blue ocean. The gardens are magnificent and unique -- not like anything I think anyone would produce on Earth.
I'm soaring over this land, swooping low to visit details. All around there is movement -- movement of people and movement of something else. I swoop down lower just to verify -- yes -- I am looking at bears. Big giant grizzly bears, and they are relaxing in their own space without threat. I'm afraid of bears, even though I can tell they are not harmful here. Still, I call to my spirit guide. I ask to see him or her. When no one appears, I turn around to look behind me. I cannot see anyone, but I grab my guide's hand and hold it tight. We continue to fly, and I feel safe.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Inner Paths to Outer Space
Yesterday I had a severe headache, which is not uncommon in the first trimester. Since I am unable to take medicine, I tried natural remedies until I went to sleep, assuming I would be cured when I woke up.
After getting up to pee for the third time around 4:30am, I had a hard time getting back to sleep and my headache was still at full force. I decided to eat some cereal, and lay back down and try to leave my body with a request to be healed of this headache.
Around 6:30 I observed my body falling asleep and I maintained my consciousness:
I feel myself sinking into the bed and the early tingling sensations of electricity curling through my cells. I encourage this to happen and peak through my real eyelids to see how light out it is. It's as bright as day and I feel very safe. The thought crosses my mind, "What if aliens come and take me away?" immediately my 'request' created the comical image of thousands (THOUSANDS) of different kinds of alien and gnome creatures walking from one wall, past my bed grunting, and then through the other wall. Because of the hilarity of the joke, I just watch amused and remain unafraid. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and morph into one another.
I decide while these strange beings march beside my bed it wouldn't be a bad time to request to be healed from this headache. Without words, I send my hope to be healed outward, and before I even stop I begin to feel a tremendously soothing energy, whooshing all around and through my head. I even feel it washing down into my neck where my muscles are tense and in pain. It feels like a vibration, the most unobtrusive and sweet vibration you can imagine, and it took away the headache.
Finally, just one alien stands beside my bed and just watches me. This is your typical gray alien creature, and yet I still remain unafraid. I begin floating out of my body, wondering if he is taking me to his spaceship. I feel unattached to him and free of constraints, so I just soar into the sky feeling wonderful. I plow straight into outer space like a madwoman, and once I have reached a destination far enough away from Earth, I merely stop and float.
I come across a very small spacecraft. It looks American! Or at least, Earthly, as it has blue digital numbers that I can see from outside the craft. It's the shape of a thimble and probably could only hold 3 people. I float toward it, curiously, and find a window to peer into. When I find it, instead of peering into it, I gasp at my own, pregnant reflection. I mouth something to myself, but I can't remember what I said. At some point I remember thinking to myself, "If anyone in that spaceship could actually see me they'd probably wonder how I could ever survive out here, naked in space." And I feel like superwoman.
Because I didn't want to wake up yet because I thought it would be too early, I projected myself into a lucid dream with ease and woke up around 7:50, cured from the horrible headache and unsurprised.
...and grateful.
After getting up to pee for the third time around 4:30am, I had a hard time getting back to sleep and my headache was still at full force. I decided to eat some cereal, and lay back down and try to leave my body with a request to be healed of this headache.
Around 6:30 I observed my body falling asleep and I maintained my consciousness:
I feel myself sinking into the bed and the early tingling sensations of electricity curling through my cells. I encourage this to happen and peak through my real eyelids to see how light out it is. It's as bright as day and I feel very safe. The thought crosses my mind, "What if aliens come and take me away?" immediately my 'request' created the comical image of thousands (THOUSANDS) of different kinds of alien and gnome creatures walking from one wall, past my bed grunting, and then through the other wall. Because of the hilarity of the joke, I just watch amused and remain unafraid. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors and morph into one another.
I decide while these strange beings march beside my bed it wouldn't be a bad time to request to be healed from this headache. Without words, I send my hope to be healed outward, and before I even stop I begin to feel a tremendously soothing energy, whooshing all around and through my head. I even feel it washing down into my neck where my muscles are tense and in pain. It feels like a vibration, the most unobtrusive and sweet vibration you can imagine, and it took away the headache.
Finally, just one alien stands beside my bed and just watches me. This is your typical gray alien creature, and yet I still remain unafraid. I begin floating out of my body, wondering if he is taking me to his spaceship. I feel unattached to him and free of constraints, so I just soar into the sky feeling wonderful. I plow straight into outer space like a madwoman, and once I have reached a destination far enough away from Earth, I merely stop and float.
I come across a very small spacecraft. It looks American! Or at least, Earthly, as it has blue digital numbers that I can see from outside the craft. It's the shape of a thimble and probably could only hold 3 people. I float toward it, curiously, and find a window to peer into. When I find it, instead of peering into it, I gasp at my own, pregnant reflection. I mouth something to myself, but I can't remember what I said. At some point I remember thinking to myself, "If anyone in that spaceship could actually see me they'd probably wonder how I could ever survive out here, naked in space." And I feel like superwoman.
Because I didn't want to wake up yet because I thought it would be too early, I projected myself into a lucid dream with ease and woke up around 7:50, cured from the horrible headache and unsurprised.
...and grateful.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Meeting Daphne
I woke up for the third time to pee around 5:30am as usual. Starving as usual. So I stayed up and ate cereal and waited for Erik to leave for work so I could try and have and out of body experience.
I lay and thought about what I would want to try and experience, and decided I'd be happy to either meet the growing baby inside my belly, or discuss my baby with a spirit guide.
I ended up on my back, tangled in blankets, around 6:30 and began dreaming.
Erik and I are living in the main house, no longer the apartment. We are grumpy with each other about silly shit, and he drops our child off with me so he can go run some errands. I am so excited to see my girl, and go upstairs to our master bedroom to find her hiding under the blankets to be funny.
When I first pull her out of the blankets, she's about 1 year old with blonde hair and a lovable face. Part of me recognizes that I am dreaming, so this also feels like the first time I have ever met her. So I pick her up respectably, and hold her for the first time, with deep awe at this wonderful being. I love her so much, her distinct energy and personality. I try to memorize it.
Immediately she begins growing until she is her 4 year old self. Now she's wearing a cute skirt, still has blonde hair, but her eyelashes are astoundingly black and long. I am mesmerized with this strange feature.
She tells me that she found a new mom at daycare. I feel hurt that she would say such a thing, but I try not to take it personally, after all, this is the first time I have put any energy into meeting her. (Note the dual consciousness here--one part of me thinks this is real and the other is lucid that this is still just our first meeting).
I tell my little girl to climb on my back and I'll take her downstairs. She does so, happily, and I'm gleeful that my child really likes me. I walk past Erik with pride, sort of like, "See? Our daughter likes me!"
We reach the bottom of the stairs and there is a big scary dog. This is a dog I have personally never seen, but in the dream he is our dog and I know him very well. He begins barking at us, and won't listen to my commands. With my little girl still on my back, the dog jumps up and bites my face. I yell for Erik. I'm yelling so loud and I know he can't hear me. The dog continues to attack me. I'm only afraid for the safety of my child as this beast continues to attack.
In full lucidity, I realize I can create any weapon to defeat this monster. Suddenly I have a burning spear in my hand, and I rip the dog to shreds. He never had a chance.
Suddenly, I connect with my realtime body lying on its back in bed. I'm vibrating energetically, but the vibrations are so subtle I can't even tell for sure they're there. The room is strikingly clear to me, for the first time in a long time. I can see the ceiling as it is, with the same amount of light as there is in realtime at that morning moment.
The only difference is that there is a mobile hanging from the ceiling. I become more lucid in realizing that this is an astral mobile, because it's nothing I have ever seen before. I don't know what the objects are, hanging from strings and moving with the air, but they appear to be shaped like rockets, the style of rockets that I dust at my boss's house everyday.
I feel my left leg being lifted from the bed, as if a magnet was drawing it to the ceiling, but the rest of me feels heavy and stuck to the bed. Still, the image of the mobile becomes closer and closer, so I know I must be rising to the ceiling.
I sense a presence in the room as well, and because I just came from a horrible dream of being attacked, I assume it is malicious. It feels like there is a being bouncing on my belly, where my baby is growing. This sensation happened the last time I was about to project from my body. It isn't hurting me, and I don't know who or what it is, but I use the same burning spear from my lucid dream to try and attack it.
Suddenly I realize that this could be my unborn child, coming to see me as I had requested before I went to sleep! I immediately drop the burning spear and project the most divine Love I can build in my heart. An image appears in front of me as the Love projects from me and I get the sense from a higher being that I did something right. Sort of like a feeling of approval. The image is of an androgynous but strikingly beautiful human immersed in reds and pinks and oranges of flooding light, ecstasy on his/her face. I feel the ecstasy in this moment. The ecstasy of Love.
Again I sense the being bouncing on my belly. I no longer sense malice, but the entire experience is interrupted by what appeeeears to be a radio alarm of some kind, but I know that my alarm is not a radio. Still, I hear the sound of a radio commercial: "Hi, my name is George. Do you ever...?" and I wake myself up because I an tell that's what the alarm is supposed to do.
I lay awake and realize the alarm was a way for me to wake up directly after the experience so that I could recall all these details and remember this experience for the profound insight that it offers.
I wonder to myself what her name could be. Instantly, the name "Daphne" appears in my mind. It is a name I hadn't pondered yet, and certainly not my favorite. But that's who she was. Daphne.
I lay and thought about what I would want to try and experience, and decided I'd be happy to either meet the growing baby inside my belly, or discuss my baby with a spirit guide.
I ended up on my back, tangled in blankets, around 6:30 and began dreaming.
Erik and I are living in the main house, no longer the apartment. We are grumpy with each other about silly shit, and he drops our child off with me so he can go run some errands. I am so excited to see my girl, and go upstairs to our master bedroom to find her hiding under the blankets to be funny.
When I first pull her out of the blankets, she's about 1 year old with blonde hair and a lovable face. Part of me recognizes that I am dreaming, so this also feels like the first time I have ever met her. So I pick her up respectably, and hold her for the first time, with deep awe at this wonderful being. I love her so much, her distinct energy and personality. I try to memorize it.
Immediately she begins growing until she is her 4 year old self. Now she's wearing a cute skirt, still has blonde hair, but her eyelashes are astoundingly black and long. I am mesmerized with this strange feature.
She tells me that she found a new mom at daycare. I feel hurt that she would say such a thing, but I try not to take it personally, after all, this is the first time I have put any energy into meeting her. (Note the dual consciousness here--one part of me thinks this is real and the other is lucid that this is still just our first meeting).
I tell my little girl to climb on my back and I'll take her downstairs. She does so, happily, and I'm gleeful that my child really likes me. I walk past Erik with pride, sort of like, "See? Our daughter likes me!"
We reach the bottom of the stairs and there is a big scary dog. This is a dog I have personally never seen, but in the dream he is our dog and I know him very well. He begins barking at us, and won't listen to my commands. With my little girl still on my back, the dog jumps up and bites my face. I yell for Erik. I'm yelling so loud and I know he can't hear me. The dog continues to attack me. I'm only afraid for the safety of my child as this beast continues to attack.
In full lucidity, I realize I can create any weapon to defeat this monster. Suddenly I have a burning spear in my hand, and I rip the dog to shreds. He never had a chance.
Suddenly, I connect with my realtime body lying on its back in bed. I'm vibrating energetically, but the vibrations are so subtle I can't even tell for sure they're there. The room is strikingly clear to me, for the first time in a long time. I can see the ceiling as it is, with the same amount of light as there is in realtime at that morning moment.
The only difference is that there is a mobile hanging from the ceiling. I become more lucid in realizing that this is an astral mobile, because it's nothing I have ever seen before. I don't know what the objects are, hanging from strings and moving with the air, but they appear to be shaped like rockets, the style of rockets that I dust at my boss's house everyday.
I feel my left leg being lifted from the bed, as if a magnet was drawing it to the ceiling, but the rest of me feels heavy and stuck to the bed. Still, the image of the mobile becomes closer and closer, so I know I must be rising to the ceiling.
I sense a presence in the room as well, and because I just came from a horrible dream of being attacked, I assume it is malicious. It feels like there is a being bouncing on my belly, where my baby is growing. This sensation happened the last time I was about to project from my body. It isn't hurting me, and I don't know who or what it is, but I use the same burning spear from my lucid dream to try and attack it.
Suddenly I realize that this could be my unborn child, coming to see me as I had requested before I went to sleep! I immediately drop the burning spear and project the most divine Love I can build in my heart. An image appears in front of me as the Love projects from me and I get the sense from a higher being that I did something right. Sort of like a feeling of approval. The image is of an androgynous but strikingly beautiful human immersed in reds and pinks and oranges of flooding light, ecstasy on his/her face. I feel the ecstasy in this moment. The ecstasy of Love.
Again I sense the being bouncing on my belly. I no longer sense malice, but the entire experience is interrupted by what appeeeears to be a radio alarm of some kind, but I know that my alarm is not a radio. Still, I hear the sound of a radio commercial: "Hi, my name is George. Do you ever...?" and I wake myself up because I an tell that's what the alarm is supposed to do.
I lay awake and realize the alarm was a way for me to wake up directly after the experience so that I could recall all these details and remember this experience for the profound insight that it offers.
I wonder to myself what her name could be. Instantly, the name "Daphne" appears in my mind. It is a name I hadn't pondered yet, and certainly not my favorite. But that's who she was. Daphne.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Astral Blindness, loss of interest?
The last two mornings I have had out of body experiences. It has been months since my regular OBEs, when I was experiencing them with the great frequency of every-other-day, sometimes multiple times in one morning. For whatever reason, and I could theorize about many, I have almost completely stopped having them. The most probable reasons are:
1) other things have suddenly become so much more important
2) I have been getting rich, long, healthy nights of sleep with no waking in the early morning.
The last two mornings I had OBEs because I woke up after 6 hours of sleep, and then went back to sleep. Unfortunately, both times, I could not see the room as I normally see it while in exit-mode. I could not see the room as I was floating, either, and this almost always leads directly into a lucid-ish dream until all consciousness goes under again.
I am frustrated because I miss having frequent, lucid experiences out of body. And especially at this juncture in my life, on the precipice of getting married which is the biggest thing I have ever done, I wish so much to have some kind of spiritual guidance.
This is just my current state -- I know with all my being that if I really (REALLY) wanted to have them more often, I would simply have to increase my desire and determination. Neither of which are coming easily right now during my immensely life consuming wedding planning.
1) other things have suddenly become so much more important
2) I have been getting rich, long, healthy nights of sleep with no waking in the early morning.
The last two mornings I had OBEs because I woke up after 6 hours of sleep, and then went back to sleep. Unfortunately, both times, I could not see the room as I normally see it while in exit-mode. I could not see the room as I was floating, either, and this almost always leads directly into a lucid-ish dream until all consciousness goes under again.
I am frustrated because I miss having frequent, lucid experiences out of body. And especially at this juncture in my life, on the precipice of getting married which is the biggest thing I have ever done, I wish so much to have some kind of spiritual guidance.
This is just my current state -- I know with all my being that if I really (REALLY) wanted to have them more often, I would simply have to increase my desire and determination. Neither of which are coming easily right now during my immensely life consuming wedding planning.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Disney Showcase
12:52am this morning I woke myself up from the following out of body experience:
It begins with a dream --
I'm at an AA meeting with a bunch of total freaks. I'm judging them all. I end up laying on the ground on my back, and four men come and surround me by my feet, looking down. Suddenly I realize with 200% clarity that I am dreaming. I say, "I'm dreaming right now, aren't I?"
The four men non in unison. I ask, "What should I do?" and after no response, "Should I fly?"
Still, the four men don't say anything, they just watch. I'm still laying on the ground, on my back. During this intense period of lucidity, I don't feel comfortable with them towering over me. I try to visualize flying upward, towards the trees behind them. The moment I TRY, a very overpowering heaviness takes hold. I yell for 'HELP!' as I remembered reading from an OBE book that it's okay to ask for help and that someone will almost always show up to guide you.
Suddenly I'm swept from the dream scenario into the heaviness of my sleeping body, which is also laying on its back.
I now realize that I am about to leave my body. There are no vibrations or any other typical pre-projection sensations that I normally have some sort of control over. I simply feel taken from my body, as if on wind, and I do not sense a positive or negative energy behind the taking. I do not feel harmed or concerned about it either.
[In retrospect, I do believe there was someone or something that 'took' me. It is for this reason that I didn't experience vibrations or the like. Usually, it is the vibrations that help me out of my body, but I didn't need any help.]
Without any sense of stopping, I am swept from my body towards the windows of my bedroom. Visual clarity becomes clear and dull, clear and dull. But I can tell I'm heading out of the bedroom. When I pass through the wall, I desire to fully experience the power of the movement. I look at my hands. I feel a rush of movement at great speed, but I am not in control of this. My hands are emitting a gold light, and they do not (absolutely NOT) look like my physical hands. The fingers are very long and slender. I curl my fingers in at the sensation of great power. I become Power.
Suddenly I am inside the walls of an entirely different place. The walls have painted murals on them. The images are those that children would appreciate. There are disney characters and child-like illustrations. I am floating through this place out of my control. I'm curled onto my side, my fingers still curled in on my hands. I am just experiencing this place, as though I am being shown.
Immediately, I am thrust into another room. This room is similar, and I am still in the same awkward position, curled up just floating through. My visual clarity is unusually sharp, so sharp that I feel it must be important. I really get the sense that I am being shown this place. I try to burn the images into my mind so that I remember. There are thousands of bugs bunny type images, mostly black, and they appear to be sort of like stuffed animals, as opposed to the painted images of the other room. Characters from cartoons I used to watch as a child. Thousands of them.
I contemplate why I would be seeing this. A thought appears in my mind, 'These are from all the Disney images you've seen your whole life.'
I don't understand. This is the most meaningless and cheesy exercise. Why am I being shown Disney images that I have seen? What kind of realization can be had from this?
I do not like this anymore. I yell 'FUCK YOOOOOU' into the room. Simultaneous, with dual awareness, I sense that I am whispering 'FUCK YOOOOU' at my body. With great awareness and perception, I perceive Erik suddenly waking from the outburst. I also hear his breathing and feel the room with great detail. But I'm still most definitely in this Disney nightmare too.
I count to 3 and wake myself up. I lay on my back, moving my limbs every few seconds to prevent from getting sucked back in, replaying all of the ridiculous events over in my mind. My body is covered in sweat, and I did indeed wake Erik up.
Why did I yell 'Fuck you'? How spiritual is that? What kind of weird experience WAS this??
It begins with a dream --
I'm at an AA meeting with a bunch of total freaks. I'm judging them all. I end up laying on the ground on my back, and four men come and surround me by my feet, looking down. Suddenly I realize with 200% clarity that I am dreaming. I say, "I'm dreaming right now, aren't I?"
The four men non in unison. I ask, "What should I do?" and after no response, "Should I fly?"
Still, the four men don't say anything, they just watch. I'm still laying on the ground, on my back. During this intense period of lucidity, I don't feel comfortable with them towering over me. I try to visualize flying upward, towards the trees behind them. The moment I TRY, a very overpowering heaviness takes hold. I yell for 'HELP!' as I remembered reading from an OBE book that it's okay to ask for help and that someone will almost always show up to guide you.
Suddenly I'm swept from the dream scenario into the heaviness of my sleeping body, which is also laying on its back.
I now realize that I am about to leave my body. There are no vibrations or any other typical pre-projection sensations that I normally have some sort of control over. I simply feel taken from my body, as if on wind, and I do not sense a positive or negative energy behind the taking. I do not feel harmed or concerned about it either.
[In retrospect, I do believe there was someone or something that 'took' me. It is for this reason that I didn't experience vibrations or the like. Usually, it is the vibrations that help me out of my body, but I didn't need any help.]
Without any sense of stopping, I am swept from my body towards the windows of my bedroom. Visual clarity becomes clear and dull, clear and dull. But I can tell I'm heading out of the bedroom. When I pass through the wall, I desire to fully experience the power of the movement. I look at my hands. I feel a rush of movement at great speed, but I am not in control of this. My hands are emitting a gold light, and they do not (absolutely NOT) look like my physical hands. The fingers are very long and slender. I curl my fingers in at the sensation of great power. I become Power.
Suddenly I am inside the walls of an entirely different place. The walls have painted murals on them. The images are those that children would appreciate. There are disney characters and child-like illustrations. I am floating through this place out of my control. I'm curled onto my side, my fingers still curled in on my hands. I am just experiencing this place, as though I am being shown.
Immediately, I am thrust into another room. This room is similar, and I am still in the same awkward position, curled up just floating through. My visual clarity is unusually sharp, so sharp that I feel it must be important. I really get the sense that I am being shown this place. I try to burn the images into my mind so that I remember. There are thousands of bugs bunny type images, mostly black, and they appear to be sort of like stuffed animals, as opposed to the painted images of the other room. Characters from cartoons I used to watch as a child. Thousands of them.
I contemplate why I would be seeing this. A thought appears in my mind, 'These are from all the Disney images you've seen your whole life.'
I don't understand. This is the most meaningless and cheesy exercise. Why am I being shown Disney images that I have seen? What kind of realization can be had from this?
I do not like this anymore. I yell 'FUCK YOOOOOU' into the room. Simultaneous, with dual awareness, I sense that I am whispering 'FUCK YOOOOU' at my body. With great awareness and perception, I perceive Erik suddenly waking from the outburst. I also hear his breathing and feel the room with great detail. But I'm still most definitely in this Disney nightmare too.
I count to 3 and wake myself up. I lay on my back, moving my limbs every few seconds to prevent from getting sucked back in, replaying all of the ridiculous events over in my mind. My body is covered in sweat, and I did indeed wake Erik up.
Why did I yell 'Fuck you'? How spiritual is that? What kind of weird experience WAS this??
Thursday, April 9, 2009
I die.
The following is not an out of body experience and it is not an lucid dream either. But it felt so real and is disturbing my waking self so significantly that I felt I should share it.
There's been an accident. I am at the morgue, standing next to my dead body. A person wearing white gloves zips up the bag all the way, and I am horrified. I don't want to be trapped. But I'm not, I'm here, outside of it, and it doesn't need to breathe anymore.
Suddenly I reconnect with my dead body, just to perceive what it would be like inside this closed bag -- to understand what it would be like to lay eternally inside a casket six feet under the ground. Now laying inside it, and not needing to breathe, I feel as light as a feather, and as at peace as a monk in a monastery. The peace inside this small enclosed space, deep under the ground is exquisite.
Instantly, I remove myself from that fantasy, and I am standing beside the dead body again. The worker unzips the bag again, because there is something else she needs to do with the body. I'm grateful, because I want to touch her. I feel a love so big for this girl that it causes my soul to weep. This was me, once. I will never be Laura Lee Graham again. Maybe I will reincarnate, maybe I will not, but I will never, not ever, have another day on Earth as Laura ever again.
I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. There is old blood on her head, but I don't care. Her forehead feels cold. But I loved her so much. I need to kiss her forehead so I can start letting go of this.
Then I grab a pen, and I sign my boring old flowery signature, my full name, around the feet of her body. I shake while I sign, and it looks like a battered version of the real thing, but it was also an act of romance. A ritual of acknowledging the end, and saying, 'Hey, I was here.'
Suddenly someone is beside me but I cannot see their face or anything of them. But I feel her -- and she must be made of the spirit world because she's the only one that sees me. I get the sense that she's going to walk me through this transition. She's just going to stay by my side.
Because I am aware that I am dead, and aware that I didn't instantly KNOW EVERYTHING, I am curious what death will be like, where I'll go, if there will be any rapture or any peace, if I might become something else or someone else, somewhere. Immediately I begin vibrating at a great frequency, and am drawn out deep into space, deep into the stars, back to the Source, into the heart of the Universe, and I know God.
This only lasts for a couple seconds when I decide that I am not ready to go there, and I return to the same place, standing next to my unseen guide.
She asks me what I wish they would to with the body -- embalm, bury, cremate, what? I tell her I want a green funeral. I want to be wrapped in cloth and placed in the earth under a tree in the woods. I don't want to be pumped with embalming chemicals and I don't want to be in a casket that protects me from the earth when it is the earth I want my atoms to become.
We watch aghast as my body gets embalmed and placed into a casket. We sort of laugh too, because it really doesn't matter anymore, at least not to me. I am simply Not There. I'm aware of the drama that must have unfolded in my family though. Erik knew I wanted a green funeral but I never told my parents, and we aren't married yet so they had the right to decide.
Now, my guide asks me, 'Where do you wish your things would go, to whom?' and I instantly think of my sister. I always said all my things would go to my sister, that she could have it all.
But then I thought of how awful that would be for her, to be burdened with all her dead sister's stuff. To have to sort through it while she grieved, and I instantly felt agony and sadness for her. I regretted that that was what I said my whole life. The pain seared through my heart, and I wept more and more.
Then my guide asked, 'What about Erik?'
and I remembered everything. I remembered the greatest love anyone could ever have and know. I remembered how he cared for me so well, and treated me better than I could have ever asked anyone to. I found myself saying to my guide, 'Ohh nooooo, ohhhh noooooo' over and over again. I was experiencing what my Erik was experiencing over this, and it had no name. But it was filled with pain and loss, wider than the Pacific Ocean.
And I knew, because I know him well, that he should have none of my stuff, because I wanted him to move on as soon as possible and live his life and start his family. I didn't want to keep him from it not for a moment.
All the while we are discussing this, I'm aware that no matter what my wishes and desires, the Earth people will make decisions without me. And I know it is time to go.
There's been an accident. I am at the morgue, standing next to my dead body. A person wearing white gloves zips up the bag all the way, and I am horrified. I don't want to be trapped. But I'm not, I'm here, outside of it, and it doesn't need to breathe anymore.
Suddenly I reconnect with my dead body, just to perceive what it would be like inside this closed bag -- to understand what it would be like to lay eternally inside a casket six feet under the ground. Now laying inside it, and not needing to breathe, I feel as light as a feather, and as at peace as a monk in a monastery. The peace inside this small enclosed space, deep under the ground is exquisite.
Instantly, I remove myself from that fantasy, and I am standing beside the dead body again. The worker unzips the bag again, because there is something else she needs to do with the body. I'm grateful, because I want to touch her. I feel a love so big for this girl that it causes my soul to weep. This was me, once. I will never be Laura Lee Graham again. Maybe I will reincarnate, maybe I will not, but I will never, not ever, have another day on Earth as Laura ever again.
I lean down and kiss her on the forehead. There is old blood on her head, but I don't care. Her forehead feels cold. But I loved her so much. I need to kiss her forehead so I can start letting go of this.
Then I grab a pen, and I sign my boring old flowery signature, my full name, around the feet of her body. I shake while I sign, and it looks like a battered version of the real thing, but it was also an act of romance. A ritual of acknowledging the end, and saying, 'Hey, I was here.'
Suddenly someone is beside me but I cannot see their face or anything of them. But I feel her -- and she must be made of the spirit world because she's the only one that sees me. I get the sense that she's going to walk me through this transition. She's just going to stay by my side.
Because I am aware that I am dead, and aware that I didn't instantly KNOW EVERYTHING, I am curious what death will be like, where I'll go, if there will be any rapture or any peace, if I might become something else or someone else, somewhere. Immediately I begin vibrating at a great frequency, and am drawn out deep into space, deep into the stars, back to the Source, into the heart of the Universe, and I know God.
This only lasts for a couple seconds when I decide that I am not ready to go there, and I return to the same place, standing next to my unseen guide.
She asks me what I wish they would to with the body -- embalm, bury, cremate, what? I tell her I want a green funeral. I want to be wrapped in cloth and placed in the earth under a tree in the woods. I don't want to be pumped with embalming chemicals and I don't want to be in a casket that protects me from the earth when it is the earth I want my atoms to become.
We watch aghast as my body gets embalmed and placed into a casket. We sort of laugh too, because it really doesn't matter anymore, at least not to me. I am simply Not There. I'm aware of the drama that must have unfolded in my family though. Erik knew I wanted a green funeral but I never told my parents, and we aren't married yet so they had the right to decide.
Now, my guide asks me, 'Where do you wish your things would go, to whom?' and I instantly think of my sister. I always said all my things would go to my sister, that she could have it all.
But then I thought of how awful that would be for her, to be burdened with all her dead sister's stuff. To have to sort through it while she grieved, and I instantly felt agony and sadness for her. I regretted that that was what I said my whole life. The pain seared through my heart, and I wept more and more.
Then my guide asked, 'What about Erik?'
and I remembered everything. I remembered the greatest love anyone could ever have and know. I remembered how he cared for me so well, and treated me better than I could have ever asked anyone to. I found myself saying to my guide, 'Ohh nooooo, ohhhh noooooo' over and over again. I was experiencing what my Erik was experiencing over this, and it had no name. But it was filled with pain and loss, wider than the Pacific Ocean.
And I knew, because I know him well, that he should have none of my stuff, because I wanted him to move on as soon as possible and live his life and start his family. I didn't want to keep him from it not for a moment.
All the while we are discussing this, I'm aware that no matter what my wishes and desires, the Earth people will make decisions without me. And I know it is time to go.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Granddad
November 11 2008, my grandfather died.
I felt very close to him, especially spiritually. Ever since he passed, I've been waiting for him to show up in lucid dreams and crossing my fingers for a visit during an out of body experience.
Several weeks ago I realized that months had passed and he had still not come. I realized that I needed to put more conscious intention into reaching out to him myself. I set out to have an out of body experience recently, when the time seemed right, and put a lot of intention into finding Granddad, but I slipped into a lucid-less dream instead and there was no sight of him.
Since then, I have been acknowledging that during my next OBE, my goal would be to find him.
This morning around 5am I woke up inside my sleeping body, unable to move. I heard the sounds of an intruder downstairs, rummaging through my purse. I wanted to turn to Erik and tell him there was an intruder, but when I tried to move I couldn't, so I realized that I was paralyzed and in pre-OBE mode.
I shook myself awake because it was still too dark out, and I stayed up until Erik left for work around 6:30am. I knew that I was setting myself up to have an OBE, but I didn't want to get too excited about it because I still needed some extra sleep considering I might start work today.
Around 7:30 I fell into a light sleep, and soon slipped into electric, vibrating mode. Instantly I thought of Granddad, and I began to execute the deep breathing that I have been enjoying so much in this state.
For the first time in my entire life, something close to rapture occurred during the paralysis state. I had still not left my body, but was floating inside it, deep breathing, when suddenly the room filled with Light and Love. I knew right away it was Granddad, and that this was his way of showing himself to me. I knew that I was receiving his Love, with each deep breath I took it in deep deep inside of my lungs and placed it in my heart.
I felt very close to him, especially spiritually. Ever since he passed, I've been waiting for him to show up in lucid dreams and crossing my fingers for a visit during an out of body experience.
Several weeks ago I realized that months had passed and he had still not come. I realized that I needed to put more conscious intention into reaching out to him myself. I set out to have an out of body experience recently, when the time seemed right, and put a lot of intention into finding Granddad, but I slipped into a lucid-less dream instead and there was no sight of him.
Since then, I have been acknowledging that during my next OBE, my goal would be to find him.
This morning around 5am I woke up inside my sleeping body, unable to move. I heard the sounds of an intruder downstairs, rummaging through my purse. I wanted to turn to Erik and tell him there was an intruder, but when I tried to move I couldn't, so I realized that I was paralyzed and in pre-OBE mode.
I shook myself awake because it was still too dark out, and I stayed up until Erik left for work around 6:30am. I knew that I was setting myself up to have an OBE, but I didn't want to get too excited about it because I still needed some extra sleep considering I might start work today.
Around 7:30 I fell into a light sleep, and soon slipped into electric, vibrating mode. Instantly I thought of Granddad, and I began to execute the deep breathing that I have been enjoying so much in this state.
For the first time in my entire life, something close to rapture occurred during the paralysis state. I had still not left my body, but was floating inside it, deep breathing, when suddenly the room filled with Light and Love. I knew right away it was Granddad, and that this was his way of showing himself to me. I knew that I was receiving his Love, with each deep breath I took it in deep deep inside of my lungs and placed it in my heart.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
More Astral Audio
This morning I woke early, around 6am, because Erik was getting up for work. I fell back asleep easily, or so I thought, when I found myself awake, hearing the achingly horrific moaning voice of a man in the shower. I could hear the shower running, and knew Erik was in there, and I wanted to get up immediately and run to him and see what happened. It sounded like he had been hurt terribly.
When I went to move, I realized that I was paralyzed, and it occurred to me that I was listening to Astral Audio, not physical audio. I was relieved that Erik was okay, but as I was still in this mind awake, body asleep state, I continued to hear the horrible moanings of a man in the shower. It wasn't Erik's voice at all.
Finally, I shook myself awake so I could go check on Erik, but the moment I woke up the sounds disappeared.
When I went to move, I realized that I was paralyzed, and it occurred to me that I was listening to Astral Audio, not physical audio. I was relieved that Erik was okay, but as I was still in this mind awake, body asleep state, I continued to hear the horrible moanings of a man in the shower. It wasn't Erik's voice at all.
Finally, I shook myself awake so I could go check on Erik, but the moment I woke up the sounds disappeared.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Soaring
i slept lightly this morning, very conscious while i was dreaming that i was feeling well slept and almost ready to wake. but my dreams during this time are vivid and easily lucid. the last cycle of REM is the most clear, logical, and long in duration.
at one point i began dreaming that i was soaring over top of a jungle that i recognized -- right above the Treehouse near Yelapa, Mexico where i spent the month of february. as i was soaring i became slightly lucid, right on the precipice of full lucidity, but what i was seeing was phenomenally vivid and striking. i knew where i was, and i felt strong emotion. i missed this place, and i was so happy to be back.
the colors and the warmth of the jungle are still with me now.
at one point i began dreaming that i was soaring over top of a jungle that i recognized -- right above the Treehouse near Yelapa, Mexico where i spent the month of february. as i was soaring i became slightly lucid, right on the precipice of full lucidity, but what i was seeing was phenomenally vivid and striking. i knew where i was, and i felt strong emotion. i missed this place, and i was so happy to be back.
the colors and the warmth of the jungle are still with me now.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Astral Audio
i woke at 5:30 this morning to the sensation i can't seem to name -- the electric, vibrating paralysis.
immediately, i counted to 5 and shook myself awake. it was still dark out and i wasn't in the mood to face my fears.
i got up and walked around for a couple minutes to shake the state off of me and climbed back into bed.
soon after, i found myself vibrating again. this time i wanted to see how long i could handle it for, but i was disturbed when i felt the sensation of someone lightly touching my lower back. so i did the count and tried to sit up and shake the state off.
again, i sunk into the electric sensations, but this time i heard what i could only describe as morse code, and it wouldn't stop. so i forced myself to wake.
yet again, i found myself cataleptic. it was finally getting a little light out so i decided to try and actually leave my body and go to the Sacred Spot (at a local park), which has been my next conscious intention. i imagined leaving my body and began affirming "i am projecting/ i am floating." i began imagining the Sacred Spot in all its details, but i was still at the location of my body. frustrated and confused, i focused all my attention on the Sacred Spot, demanding to be there immediately. but i couldn't get out.
finally, i heard the sounds of a woman laughing, right in my ear. exhausted in surrender, i woke myself up.
immediately, i counted to 5 and shook myself awake. it was still dark out and i wasn't in the mood to face my fears.
i got up and walked around for a couple minutes to shake the state off of me and climbed back into bed.
soon after, i found myself vibrating again. this time i wanted to see how long i could handle it for, but i was disturbed when i felt the sensation of someone lightly touching my lower back. so i did the count and tried to sit up and shake the state off.
again, i sunk into the electric sensations, but this time i heard what i could only describe as morse code, and it wouldn't stop. so i forced myself to wake.
yet again, i found myself cataleptic. it was finally getting a little light out so i decided to try and actually leave my body and go to the Sacred Spot (at a local park), which has been my next conscious intention. i imagined leaving my body and began affirming "i am projecting/ i am floating." i began imagining the Sacred Spot in all its details, but i was still at the location of my body. frustrated and confused, i focused all my attention on the Sacred Spot, demanding to be there immediately. but i couldn't get out.
finally, i heard the sounds of a woman laughing, right in my ear. exhausted in surrender, i woke myself up.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Out of Body Meditation
*experience from 7:30am this morning*
after waking around 6am, reading, and allowing the morning light to enter my bedroom, i closed the book and my eyes and relaxed into the bed. in realizing the great success of yesterday's experience with coming up with 3 goals and accomplishing them, i tried to come up with what i wanted to accomplish in this experience. i decided to use the 'clarity now!' demand and deep breathing again, but to also find the man in the purple robe i saw in the consensus reality. i also fantasized about simply flying into my backyard and fly through the woods of Whatcom Falls Park, and even, fly and swim through the waterfalls.
i decided that whatever reality became available, i would embrace.
after relaxing for several minutes, i began to sense an electric tickle. at first i was reluctant to believe i was already ready to vibrate and make my exit, but i opened myself up to it and suddenly i was sinking into the bed, vibrating, and floating upward.
in the history of all my experiences i have NEVER reached this deep and focused and VERY SPECIFIC state, THAT FAST. i felt very excited about this, and witnessed a growing confidence in myself.
immediately i remembered to breathe deeply, and as i did so i felt my physical chest rise and fall in addition to my breathing double. yesterday morning i did not experience a dual awareness when i breathed. i was fascinated by having such a focused consciousness, and yet so deeply immersed in this entirely different brain wave and state.
i opened my astral eyes and saw something next to my bed that i didn't want to see, so i aborted the entire experience. i recognized the image immediately: it was made up of my own very personal imaginative substance. i can always tell when i have manifested a fear into an image, and when what i am looking at is a separately existing consciousness. it is simple to diagnose.
although i knew the image wasn't a real presence, i felt too scared to continue, counted to 5, etc.
after waking around 6am, reading, and allowing the morning light to enter my bedroom, i closed the book and my eyes and relaxed into the bed. in realizing the great success of yesterday's experience with coming up with 3 goals and accomplishing them, i tried to come up with what i wanted to accomplish in this experience. i decided to use the 'clarity now!' demand and deep breathing again, but to also find the man in the purple robe i saw in the consensus reality. i also fantasized about simply flying into my backyard and fly through the woods of Whatcom Falls Park, and even, fly and swim through the waterfalls.
i decided that whatever reality became available, i would embrace.
after relaxing for several minutes, i began to sense an electric tickle. at first i was reluctant to believe i was already ready to vibrate and make my exit, but i opened myself up to it and suddenly i was sinking into the bed, vibrating, and floating upward.
in the history of all my experiences i have NEVER reached this deep and focused and VERY SPECIFIC state, THAT FAST. i felt very excited about this, and witnessed a growing confidence in myself.
immediately i remembered to breathe deeply, and as i did so i felt my physical chest rise and fall in addition to my breathing double. yesterday morning i did not experience a dual awareness when i breathed. i was fascinated by having such a focused consciousness, and yet so deeply immersed in this entirely different brain wave and state.
i opened my astral eyes and saw something next to my bed that i didn't want to see, so i aborted the entire experience. i recognized the image immediately: it was made up of my own very personal imaginative substance. i can always tell when i have manifested a fear into an image, and when what i am looking at is a separately existing consciousness. it is simple to diagnose.
although i knew the image wasn't a real presence, i felt too scared to continue, counted to 5, etc.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Missions Accomplished!!
*out of body experiences and lucid dreams from 7:30 - 8:00am*
i woke at 6am and very consciously stayed up until it became dawn, so that i could attempt a positive out of body experience. i read the book 'Adventures Beyond the Body' by William Buhlman while i waited for some morning light to enter the room.
i decided i wanted to accomplish 3 things in this experience:
1) to demand clarity by forcefully stating "Clarity Now!" like the book suggests when you can't see very well.
2) attempt deep breathing to focus and maintain consciousness.
3) to visit my friend Carla, a fellow lucid dream traveler.
i closed my eyes around 7, and entered a vivid dream. within seconds, i become aware of my deep state, and bring awareness to my body. i feel myself gently sinking into the bed. i very consciously begin to breathe deeply, something i have NEVER done in OBEs because you don't need to breathe. the book suggests it to maintain focus and elongate the experience.
in breathing deeply, i find my day to day consciousness emerge. my personality. i no longer feel like my emotions and soulful desires are going to distract me from what i am setting out to do (which is a common problem in soul travelers attempting experiments --> their astral selves just want to fly around and explore)
i continue to deep breathe, and because i'm only feeling the sinking sensations, i ask for the vibrations to come, but softly. i begin to vibrate, the frequency is great but it doesn't feel like a violent earthquake. along with my deep breathing and maintained focus, i ask for the vibrations to speed up, and i tell myself "i am projecting out of body" -- immediately i leave my body, at light speed!
at this speed i should be in space by now, but i look and see that i am simply moving throughout the bedroom. i am moving in circles through the bedding, through the walls and the bed frame, aimlessly and skilllessly.
at this point i forget all about the deep breathing (i'm surprised i remember it as long as i did) BUT i DO remember to demand clarity! so i YELL, "CLARITY NOW!"
ten years ago, this demand did nothing for me. it was as though i could hear astral folk laughing that i thought i could control my astral blindness (which has been a problem for the last 10 years).
but this morning, after demanding it with incredible force, i could SEEEEEEEE EVERYTHING!! like never before!! there was incredible light INSIDE and OUTSIDE and there were potted plants INSIDE MY BEDROOM. they were bright orange flowers and they were well cared for, and i knew very well they didn't exist in the physical reality, but it made me love them even more! now i know what's REALLY in my bedroom, and it's beautiful.
i feel cured of my blindfold!! this was a moment to rejoice.
so i propel upward, directly into space, to celebrate.
at some points in this speed-of-light propulsion, i leave my astral body just to watch it from a point in consciousness. i see my astral body, drenched in colors changing from one to the next.
instantly, i find myself in a galaxy i haven't been to yet, and the planet i move past looks golden with brown swirls and tan clouds.
just as quickly as i discover this new place, i remember that i wanted to find Carla. i lift forward and head straight down down down, head first, back into Earth and down into Carla's world. there is black all around her, but she is dancing with her arms out wide open, smiling and looking right up at me heading face down from the sky. we hug because we finally found each other in the conscious level we both know so well. and then we kiss, and it's epic.
i find myself back in my room, and restore my lucidity by remembering that i am out of body and i may do what i wish.
i want to find people.
in 10 years of travel i have NOT met anyone other than my own demons and gray aliens, and i wanted to find the spiritual, consciously non-physical PEOPLE. i also decided that i wanted to find someone in the "consensus reality" as William Buhlman describe in his book. a consensus reality is one that is created by a group of people over centuries of belief in it, and a non-consensus reality is one that is thought-formed, immediately, by whomever is present.
i wanted to find a consensus reality because i wanted to go somewhere people already exist, all the time, without me.
instantly, i begin traveling throughout the house, and i move down towards the sun room and right outside the window is a man, looking up at me hovering in the room. he is white with dark brown hair, a beard and mustache, wearing a dark purple robe-like garment, but it's more like suede, and it only goes down to his knees. i know in seeing him, that he cares about me.
because this is my first encounter with a genuine soul, i suddenly feel shy and intimidated and brush right past him and soar to a hundred feet in the air.
as i move upward, i see that standing in the same plane of existence as the purple robed man are many other people, and i recognize them all by light that is shining from their heads from above. i become aware of medium size pools of water that ascends down, each with small waterfalls joining them. there is so much sunlight, and i feel very content here.
i know i am losing my focus and density in consciousness. i know that my out of body experience cannot last much longer.
so i decide to enter a lucid dream. i fly back up into my bedroom and visit the potted plants with orange flowers and bounce on top of the bed with my sleeping body in it. i yell, "I'M LUCID DREAMING, I'M LUCID DREAMING!" and i shapeshift into a ball and bounce down the stairs. i have become so very short now that i am simply a ball, that whenever i bounce down the stairs i perceive the stairs in an entirely new way. i do not like feeling so short!
but i continue to bounce, and i move through the dining room and yell again "I'm lucid dreaming, I'm lucid dreaming!" very happily bragging about it to whoever will listen.
i then realize i feel quite safe, and that it wouldn't be so bad to call out to the gray aliens in a lucid dream. i have never successfully called them over to me. they have only come when they feel like it.
i bounce through the living room and see that the hallway to my left is dark. the kitchen isn't very bright either, and great eyes in the shape of almonds begin to form in the center of the kitchen. i decide to abort this experiment, because i know i'm not ready to face this, and count to 5.
1, 2, 3, 4, FIVE!! and i wake myself up in bed. i lay on my back and went through all the details of my experience before getting up and posting this.
i woke at 6am and very consciously stayed up until it became dawn, so that i could attempt a positive out of body experience. i read the book 'Adventures Beyond the Body' by William Buhlman while i waited for some morning light to enter the room.
i decided i wanted to accomplish 3 things in this experience:
1) to demand clarity by forcefully stating "Clarity Now!" like the book suggests when you can't see very well.
2) attempt deep breathing to focus and maintain consciousness.
3) to visit my friend Carla, a fellow lucid dream traveler.
i closed my eyes around 7, and entered a vivid dream. within seconds, i become aware of my deep state, and bring awareness to my body. i feel myself gently sinking into the bed. i very consciously begin to breathe deeply, something i have NEVER done in OBEs because you don't need to breathe. the book suggests it to maintain focus and elongate the experience.
in breathing deeply, i find my day to day consciousness emerge. my personality. i no longer feel like my emotions and soulful desires are going to distract me from what i am setting out to do (which is a common problem in soul travelers attempting experiments --> their astral selves just want to fly around and explore)
i continue to deep breathe, and because i'm only feeling the sinking sensations, i ask for the vibrations to come, but softly. i begin to vibrate, the frequency is great but it doesn't feel like a violent earthquake. along with my deep breathing and maintained focus, i ask for the vibrations to speed up, and i tell myself "i am projecting out of body" -- immediately i leave my body, at light speed!
at this speed i should be in space by now, but i look and see that i am simply moving throughout the bedroom. i am moving in circles through the bedding, through the walls and the bed frame, aimlessly and skilllessly.
at this point i forget all about the deep breathing (i'm surprised i remember it as long as i did) BUT i DO remember to demand clarity! so i YELL, "CLARITY NOW!"
ten years ago, this demand did nothing for me. it was as though i could hear astral folk laughing that i thought i could control my astral blindness (which has been a problem for the last 10 years).
but this morning, after demanding it with incredible force, i could SEEEEEEEE EVERYTHING!! like never before!! there was incredible light INSIDE and OUTSIDE and there were potted plants INSIDE MY BEDROOM. they were bright orange flowers and they were well cared for, and i knew very well they didn't exist in the physical reality, but it made me love them even more! now i know what's REALLY in my bedroom, and it's beautiful.
i feel cured of my blindfold!! this was a moment to rejoice.
so i propel upward, directly into space, to celebrate.
at some points in this speed-of-light propulsion, i leave my astral body just to watch it from a point in consciousness. i see my astral body, drenched in colors changing from one to the next.
instantly, i find myself in a galaxy i haven't been to yet, and the planet i move past looks golden with brown swirls and tan clouds.
just as quickly as i discover this new place, i remember that i wanted to find Carla. i lift forward and head straight down down down, head first, back into Earth and down into Carla's world. there is black all around her, but she is dancing with her arms out wide open, smiling and looking right up at me heading face down from the sky. we hug because we finally found each other in the conscious level we both know so well. and then we kiss, and it's epic.
i find myself back in my room, and restore my lucidity by remembering that i am out of body and i may do what i wish.
i want to find people.
in 10 years of travel i have NOT met anyone other than my own demons and gray aliens, and i wanted to find the spiritual, consciously non-physical PEOPLE. i also decided that i wanted to find someone in the "consensus reality" as William Buhlman describe in his book. a consensus reality is one that is created by a group of people over centuries of belief in it, and a non-consensus reality is one that is thought-formed, immediately, by whomever is present.
i wanted to find a consensus reality because i wanted to go somewhere people already exist, all the time, without me.
instantly, i begin traveling throughout the house, and i move down towards the sun room and right outside the window is a man, looking up at me hovering in the room. he is white with dark brown hair, a beard and mustache, wearing a dark purple robe-like garment, but it's more like suede, and it only goes down to his knees. i know in seeing him, that he cares about me.
because this is my first encounter with a genuine soul, i suddenly feel shy and intimidated and brush right past him and soar to a hundred feet in the air.
as i move upward, i see that standing in the same plane of existence as the purple robed man are many other people, and i recognize them all by light that is shining from their heads from above. i become aware of medium size pools of water that ascends down, each with small waterfalls joining them. there is so much sunlight, and i feel very content here.
i know i am losing my focus and density in consciousness. i know that my out of body experience cannot last much longer.
so i decide to enter a lucid dream. i fly back up into my bedroom and visit the potted plants with orange flowers and bounce on top of the bed with my sleeping body in it. i yell, "I'M LUCID DREAMING, I'M LUCID DREAMING!" and i shapeshift into a ball and bounce down the stairs. i have become so very short now that i am simply a ball, that whenever i bounce down the stairs i perceive the stairs in an entirely new way. i do not like feeling so short!
but i continue to bounce, and i move through the dining room and yell again "I'm lucid dreaming, I'm lucid dreaming!" very happily bragging about it to whoever will listen.
i then realize i feel quite safe, and that it wouldn't be so bad to call out to the gray aliens in a lucid dream. i have never successfully called them over to me. they have only come when they feel like it.
i bounce through the living room and see that the hallway to my left is dark. the kitchen isn't very bright either, and great eyes in the shape of almonds begin to form in the center of the kitchen. i decide to abort this experiment, because i know i'm not ready to face this, and count to 5.
1, 2, 3, 4, FIVE!! and i wake myself up in bed. i lay on my back and went through all the details of my experience before getting up and posting this.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Bzzzz
the moon was outrageously bright last night, and i went to bed wide awake feeling fear. whenever the moon is full, its light shines through our skylight and brightly through the windows, lighting up our whole room. i know not to sleep on my back when the moon is full, because i always wake up unable to move, buzzing and electric; the moon will suck me out of my body.
i kept tossing and turning, switching sides. didn't make a difference. around 2am i finally drifted, and entered into hypnopompic imagery. there in the center of our bed was a gray alien, just staring. it looked different than i expected, and seemed to have some kind of patch over its right eye.
i pointed at it and yelled 'i KNEW you were going to come' or something like it, i honestly don't remember.
then my awareness came back to my body, and i couldn't move, pulsating electric. i was frustrated, and didn't want to leave my body. so i counted to 5 and woke myself up. i didn't move my body enough when i was awake so i just sank right back into the paralysis state. this repeated several times, when i finally forced myself to sit up and change positions. i laid on my back, thinking it would be for only a minute to just think and be awake, but i fell, like falling off a cliff, right back into the sinking, buzzing, vibrating electric state.
i was fucking frustrated. i can't describe it, and how many times this same scenario has happened. i never leave my body in the dead of night.
i kept tossing and turning, switching sides. didn't make a difference. around 2am i finally drifted, and entered into hypnopompic imagery. there in the center of our bed was a gray alien, just staring. it looked different than i expected, and seemed to have some kind of patch over its right eye.
i pointed at it and yelled 'i KNEW you were going to come' or something like it, i honestly don't remember.
then my awareness came back to my body, and i couldn't move, pulsating electric. i was frustrated, and didn't want to leave my body. so i counted to 5 and woke myself up. i didn't move my body enough when i was awake so i just sank right back into the paralysis state. this repeated several times, when i finally forced myself to sit up and change positions. i laid on my back, thinking it would be for only a minute to just think and be awake, but i fell, like falling off a cliff, right back into the sinking, buzzing, vibrating electric state.
i was fucking frustrated. i can't describe it, and how many times this same scenario has happened. i never leave my body in the dead of night.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Owls and Rainbow Worlds
*out of body experiences from the morning of March 8*
after sleeping for an hour, i woke a little after midnight, shaken awake by nightmares of menacing owls hiding in shadows, coming to take me away. as i lay i fell back into a the sleep state, but my mind stayed awake. immediately i began vibrating electric, paralyzed on my back, erik sleeping beside me.
i knew i was vulnerable to what i was afraid of most that night. visitors with big black eyes. i felt them above our house, waiting. i heard the humming of a spaceship, something i never heard before.
i quickly woke myself up by counting to 5. it was easy. no problems.
i was stunned to find that i could still hear a humming from above the house. it's a sound i have literally never heard before, but i was wide awake in this moment. moving my body, sitting up straight, slapping myself in the face, i knew i was not in an energetic state.
the sound faded away into the night. suddenly, erik's body heaved and twitched and the humming sound began with it, almost as if it caused him to jerk his body. then it was gone, and erik was still asleep.
in the morning, i woke early to erik's movements. i read a book for about half an hour and he left for work. i lay and tried to have an OBE; i could feel that i was inches from that deep state as i had just left it very recently.
sure enough, i began to feel the sensation of sinking into the bed, as if something heavy was pushing down on my body. i couldn't move, and i felt electric.
i began floating to the ceiling, and i went right through it, still laying horizontal. as soon as i got past the roof, i lay my body down, my back right on the skylight above our bed. the sky was full of sunshine, and i could feel it shining through the trees to my right even though i didn't look over there.
i wanted to project into an astral realm, so i imagined the rainbow world i once visited in a lucid dream when i was 12. suddenly i was sliding down the curve of a rainbow with a cloud at the end. it didn't illicit the same kind of rapture as the other world i'd been too. i was in an uninspired, imagined world. suddenly i heard a door slam, so i woke.
after sleeping for an hour, i woke a little after midnight, shaken awake by nightmares of menacing owls hiding in shadows, coming to take me away. as i lay i fell back into a the sleep state, but my mind stayed awake. immediately i began vibrating electric, paralyzed on my back, erik sleeping beside me.
i knew i was vulnerable to what i was afraid of most that night. visitors with big black eyes. i felt them above our house, waiting. i heard the humming of a spaceship, something i never heard before.
i quickly woke myself up by counting to 5. it was easy. no problems.
i was stunned to find that i could still hear a humming from above the house. it's a sound i have literally never heard before, but i was wide awake in this moment. moving my body, sitting up straight, slapping myself in the face, i knew i was not in an energetic state.
the sound faded away into the night. suddenly, erik's body heaved and twitched and the humming sound began with it, almost as if it caused him to jerk his body. then it was gone, and erik was still asleep.
in the morning, i woke early to erik's movements. i read a book for about half an hour and he left for work. i lay and tried to have an OBE; i could feel that i was inches from that deep state as i had just left it very recently.
sure enough, i began to feel the sensation of sinking into the bed, as if something heavy was pushing down on my body. i couldn't move, and i felt electric.
i began floating to the ceiling, and i went right through it, still laying horizontal. as soon as i got past the roof, i lay my body down, my back right on the skylight above our bed. the sky was full of sunshine, and i could feel it shining through the trees to my right even though i didn't look over there.
i wanted to project into an astral realm, so i imagined the rainbow world i once visited in a lucid dream when i was 12. suddenly i was sliding down the curve of a rainbow with a cloud at the end. it didn't illicit the same kind of rapture as the other world i'd been too. i was in an uninspired, imagined world. suddenly i heard a door slam, so i woke.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Mexican Dreams
i'm in puerto vallarta again, at a wee internet place downtown. erik and i are leaving for seattle tomorrow morning. but two nights ago i had several out of body experiences and lucid dreams. the most memorable was the following lucid dream:
i've realized i am dreaming inside a dream. suddenly i have projected into a completely different world. there is a big bright sun, outlined in royal blue, yellow with purple flames. there is a crevice in the earth, and it is expanding before my eyes, until there are endless cliffs forming, as though the earth is splitting.
the only colors here are royal blue, yellow and purple, and all the colors are melting and merging within one another.
between the cliffs opens up walls upon endless walls of books, and i know that i have reached the Akashic records. unfortunately, i am being told, i am not ready to read it.
i've realized i am dreaming inside a dream. suddenly i have projected into a completely different world. there is a big bright sun, outlined in royal blue, yellow with purple flames. there is a crevice in the earth, and it is expanding before my eyes, until there are endless cliffs forming, as though the earth is splitting.
the only colors here are royal blue, yellow and purple, and all the colors are melting and merging within one another.
between the cliffs opens up walls upon endless walls of books, and i know that i have reached the Akashic records. unfortunately, i am being told, i am not ready to read it.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
handfuls
at the moment i am puerto vallarta at an internet cafe on playa del sol, but i had a lucid dream this morning.. which reminded me that i've had about 5 lucid dreams and 2 out of body experiences since my last post. because i've been away i haven't been able to report on everything.
this morning's lucid dream was recurrent, in that my lucidity resurfaced several times throughout the night. in one dream i was riding a bicycle in burlington, but the bike was awkward and i knew it was dangerous. i went over a bump and my body flew into the sky -- i thought for sure i would finally break my bones and die. but then i realized there was nothing to fear because i was dreeeeaming.
i flew a lot this morning in dreams. very very high with beautific jungle scenary. i even hiked a steep mountain that left me feeling quite accomplished.
but the most exciting experience above all was leaving my body up in the cliffhouse, flying through the pallapa roof and hovering above the treehouse lit up with moonlight. the palm trees shimmered moonlight. i felt at peace within peace.
this morning's lucid dream was recurrent, in that my lucidity resurfaced several times throughout the night. in one dream i was riding a bicycle in burlington, but the bike was awkward and i knew it was dangerous. i went over a bump and my body flew into the sky -- i thought for sure i would finally break my bones and die. but then i realized there was nothing to fear because i was dreeeeaming.
i flew a lot this morning in dreams. very very high with beautific jungle scenary. i even hiked a steep mountain that left me feeling quite accomplished.
but the most exciting experience above all was leaving my body up in the cliffhouse, flying through the pallapa roof and hovering above the treehouse lit up with moonlight. the palm trees shimmered moonlight. i felt at peace within peace.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
failed flying lesson
* lucid dream from 8am 01.04.09 *
i'm dreaming i'm with taryn on a beach, maybe right in front of haystack rock in cannon beach oregon, where i just was.
i say, 'let's fly!' and run and jump into the sky where i soar effortlessly.
taryn is still on the ground, and looks at me embarrassed. i fly down to her and hover above the ground.
'taryn, i'm dreeeaming!!' i am completely lucid now. 'this means we can fly if we want to, let's go!'
but she still looks shy and unable to recognize the limitless possibilities this state offers. i place my feet back on the ground and walk her through the steps of flying, and once again fly high into the air.
a great big man, a giant of sorts, is standing below me and trying to reach for my ankles, but i know, even with his great size, that he cannot reach me as high as i can fly. and i continue on my sky-filled journey.
i'm dreaming i'm with taryn on a beach, maybe right in front of haystack rock in cannon beach oregon, where i just was.
i say, 'let's fly!' and run and jump into the sky where i soar effortlessly.
taryn is still on the ground, and looks at me embarrassed. i fly down to her and hover above the ground.
'taryn, i'm dreeeaming!!' i am completely lucid now. 'this means we can fly if we want to, let's go!'
but she still looks shy and unable to recognize the limitless possibilities this state offers. i place my feet back on the ground and walk her through the steps of flying, and once again fly high into the air.
a great big man, a giant of sorts, is standing below me and trying to reach for my ankles, but i know, even with his great size, that he cannot reach me as high as i can fly. and i continue on my sky-filled journey.